Forget the bears and mountain lions and coyotes. They aren’t the ones that will screw you up. Well, maybe they are, but they’ll just kill you. It’s the little vegan shits that are gonna mess with you until you are crying in the woods without any gear.
You aren’t Snow White, and the little birdies aren’t going to help you clean the house.
I have put together a little guide to help you identify some of the common woodland assholes of which you need to be aware if you venture out in my neck of the woods.
The Biggest Jerk Animals Around
And don't believe that they are like big cows or something. These guys have serious attitude problems. Avoid at all cost.
They do this to show you how weak you are.
The insidious little buggers will also keep moving constantly in your peripheral vision and lead to a little known illness called HAP (High Altitude Paranoia). This sometimes fatal disease can only be dealt with by going down in altitude immediately.
They will also watch you when you go to the bathroom, which is just weird. Little perverts. It's bad enough when you have to go pee above treeline without an audience.
Majestic my ass. Brush out your hair, you damned hippie!
Gray Jay (aka Camp Robbers):
There are some animals that aren't TOTAL jerks, just mildly annoying.
They also make weird noises around camp at night, to ensure you won't get any sleep after you are convinced there are bears getting ready to eat you.
Weird Weasel Thingy:
* John Muir didn't say this. I have a disorder where I can't help but attribute random things as quotes from famous people.
** Also, ground squirrels don't talk. They're squirrels.
BLOGGER DELETED MY POST! On the plus side, I had a backup, but I am NOT pleased they thought they could just take it all away. They also deleted my most recent comments!
To anyone who tried to comment or had anything deleted, I AM SORRY! IT ISN'T MY FAULT! PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!