Thursday, December 13, 2012

Call Me Grace

I recently had the pleasure of participating in the wedding of a good friend. 

The bride and groom rented a lodge in the mountains where the wedding party could stay for the weekend.  Festivities were planned, and food would be provided.

I expected the mountain driving (especially with a snow storm on the way) would be the adventure of this little gathering.  I am very good at getting lost.

I am also very good at visualizing my car sliding off a twisty mountain road over a cliff and then my car exploding on the way down in a comet of fire and confetti, probably because I missed a turn.  It seemed like the natural conclusion.

But none of that happened.  It was a remarkably pleasant drive, I had good directions, and arrived a little early for the rehersal.

What I didn't expect was that the bridal suite would have an INDOOR HOT TUB that we could use.

Which is where our adventure begins...


While I have recently lost quite a bit of weight, I may still have some minor body issues.


Creepy smiles always help to make friends.



I decided my best course of action would be to get in the hot tub as quickly as possible and pretend I was not as ridiculous as I felt.

So, I walked over to the hot tub...

...put my foot on the step...

...and...



The step was not a step at all, but a beautifully hand crafted creation of doom.

It tipped a little.



And then it tipped some more...

I attempted to regain my balance for a moment...


 But there was no help for it.


I went down.



For a moment I lay on the floor, basking in my utter humiliation, and wondering what I had broken.  Besides the last vestiges of my self respect, I mean.






 With a Herculean effort, I pulled myself up.




And I realized that everyone in the room, maybe a half a dozen brides maids, was staring at me.

I tried to reassure them.




The most certain way to make sure everyone thinks you're drunk is to assure them you are not.







So I (very carefully) hopped into the hot tub, realizing that everyone was sitting on the edge because the  the temperature was set roughly to that of molten lava.

I will neither confirm nor deny that I may or may not have screamed.








24 comments:

JnetRuns said...

Lol!!! Sorry, but that was so funny, hope you didn't hurt yourself too much though.
I'm a terrible klutz, but usually involving my head in contact with various hard and/or sharp objects, I think I need to start wearing a helmet indoors.

Leauxra said...

JnetRuns: Oh, I didn't hurt anything too badly. Other than my pride. And I've often considered the helmet thing... especially when I do a really outrageous activity like getting on a stationary bicycle.

MakingSpace said...

Officially I'm very sorry for your mishap and injury.

But really I can't stop laughing loudly enough to wake up the dog.

Rebeka St John said...

And here I thought I was the only one who had the honour of coming across beautifully hand crafted creations of doom. You are too funny... in a real sad way. My deepest sympathy. Next time you're in town, I'll be happy to share a bottle of wine with you!

Leauxra said...

MakingSpace: Heh. Well, it's funny NOW. The bruises have faded and all, so it's fine.

Rebeka: sounds like a good plan to me. Wine will make me MUCH less clumsy. Wait. Heh.

Hand crafted furniture means "home made" and "untested" and maybe even "poorly conceived." Watch out for woodworkers. I'm pretty sure they're trying to kill me.

Martinezster said...

My god, I actually started laugh-crying imagining this happening. Too funny!!

HOpe your body and ego weren't bruised too much! :)

Leauxra said...

Martinezster: Oh you know. No more than usual. It's funnier now that the bruises have healed.

Keith said...

Sometimes weird stuff happens to me. All proceeding logically and with care aforethought, then it goes all pear shaped. I end up whimpering with pain, or wondering how it happened. My wife says, only you, that could only happen to you.

Well, now I know that shit happens to other people. Welcome to the club.

the Tsaritsa said...

Klutzes are cute. At least that's what I tell myself every time I take a big spill in public...

Mistyslaws said...

You poor thing! You . . . hee . . . poor . . . hee . . . poor . . . snort . . . thing. Um, sorry. Hee.

But the good news is, your drawing conveys your utter mortification and wish for a swift and painless death perfectly. So.....bravo? ;)

StephanieC said...

Ahhh Gaaaahd. This is my life, except that you actually have friends and/or people who ask you to be in their wedding party.

Hope you aren't too bruised and battered. Emotionally or physically.

Same thing happened a few years ago getting into someone's hot tub IN THEIR DECK. There was no stool, or step. I just managed to slip my leg between the tub and the deck boards.

My leg looked mangled for weeks.

*sigh*...

Leauxra said...

Keith: I once crashed on a stationary bicycle. No, you are not alone. :)

Tsarista: Yeah, totally. I'm... cute. Hahahaha.

Misty: Yeah. I was pretty surprised that no one laughed at me. I think they couldn't take their eyes off the fluorescent bruise developing on my thigh. Heh. ((bows)). Just call me Grace.

StephanieC: There is something about the hot tub, and the vulnerability of swimsuits that SCREAMS "I should fall down and hurt myself". I have to admit I really WISHED I was drunk. I only knew three people in the room, and was acquainted to one other. I make the best first impressions.

I was fine. I just had more... colorful skin than normal. I tried to tell everyone Boyfriend beat me, but no one believed me.

Stephanie said...

Sucks. I have permanent bruises on my thighs, right at table-corner height. Hope you bounce back quickly!

Leauxra said...

Stephanie: HAHAHA. I mean... I'm sorry. me too. I also have bruises on my elbows, shins... pretty much everywhere, all the time.

I need to live in a padded room, apparently.

Jocelyn said...

Well, you're just charming as hell.

Makes me glad I decided to click around and visit a few new blogs--

because what riches yours is yielding already.

All of which is to say: I'm very sorry you slipped and fell in your swimsuit, especially when it had been so hard to get yourself to act fine and confident in the first place.

But maybe I'm a little bit glad you had such a stressful moment there because it made for a terrific tale.

So, um, hi.

nagzilla said...

Can I please say how much I love the fact that you drew your imaginary saddle bags in the shape of a heart? I'll take adorable insecurities for $200, Alex.

Leauxra said...

Nagzilla: Oh my gosh! I didn't even notice that! That's hilarious! I truly didn't do that on purpose.

Hahahaha! Thanks for pointing it out!

bevchen said...

Just popped over from Thoughts Appear. This is hilarious!! (OK, probably less so for you at the time ;-)). I also love your drawings - you have a new reader here :-)

Crack You Whip said...

So funny and I bet you look much better in a bathing suit than I do!

Leauxra said...

Jocelyn: Awww. You called me charming! Honestly, I think I do a good job of LOOKING normal most of the time, but my brain makes me sound like a lunatic inside.

bevchen: The drawings are a new thing! It's actually what I always wanted to do with the blog, and am FINALLY getting around to. So glad you came by!

Now I just have to remember to post more regularly...

Crack You Whip: Hah. Well, I doubt it, but I have no idea. I've been nervous in a bathing suit since about fifth grade when little Steve in my class called me "Thunder Thighs". So. Mortifying.

Heh.

Karen Woodward said...

Wow! Your last frame kinda looked like me in the morning, before my first cup of coffee works its (oh so delicious) magic. Or, well, it's how I _feel_ anyway!

Another awesome story Leauxra! Thanks for sharing. :-)

Bee said...

I can completely relate to the imagining of the car flying off the highway... eek!! Also loved the difference between what you imagine yourself to look like and what you probably look like... all women have been there! hahah great post!

Stephanie Iris said...

Whenever I have to go anywhere in my bathing suit I always try and side step with my back against the wall so no one can get a good look at my meaty backside.

Unfortunately it's a strategy that depends on being indoors.

Leauxra said...

Karen: Ha ha ha, thank you! And I think I look like that every morning, too! What would we do without coffee? I don't think I want to survive the apocalypse if there is not coffee.

Bee: Yeah, I have a slight anxiety about all things car. I don't know why, I have a good car, and I am a good driver, but I know not to let my blood pressure get taken within 30 minutes of driving!

Stephanie Iris: Yes, indoors. Towels. But trying to hide just makes people look harder! What is she hiding? There is no winning. None. And I usually draw attention to myself by stubbing my toe, falling, or some other piece of ridiculousness that ends in tears.

I once punched myself in the face putting on a swimsuit. Damn things are dangerous.