After a confusing bus ride, a short walk up a twisty road with no shoulder that had directions that made us walk WITH traffic (and thus made my mind say in no uncertain terms that I WAS DOING IT WRONG), we finally made it to the trailhead, and this sign:
|In case you can't read this, it says, "PIG CONTROL IN PROGRESS"... some other stuff blah blah blah and then "Full Moon Hunts Will Be Scheduled". Well, that... sounds... interesting.|
Sounds good. Wait, what day is it? It is awfully had to keep track of this stuff when hanging out in paradise for a week.
I had checked out the hike on the internet, and learned the following things:
1) Bring bug spray, the mosquitos will eat you ALIVE!
2) There is a such thing as 8 inch centepedes, and they exist in Hawaii.
3) There are no large predators in Hawaii, and no poisonous snakes.
4) Where we stayed in Waikiki averages about 20 inches of rain a year. Where we were hiking, a few miles away, averages about 280 inches of rain per year. We WILL get rained on.
5) There is a fantastic view at the top.
What could possibly go wrong?
Maybe I should make a list.
Or better, allow me to give you a small snippet from my brain...
Do you like steam of consciousness?
Well, here's the turnoff... away from the tourists and kids, shit it's hot. Is that mud? I hope the trail gets better, this shit's slicker'n snot. Why does it smell like pooh? Great. It's probably pig pooh from the pig hunts. Damn it's hot. And humid. Why did I wear a shirt again? I should totally be hiking in my bikini top.
Wow, look at that, there's no one behind us. I wonder if this is a real trail, or if someone's just leading us astray. Shit, I wonder if "pig hunt" is a euphemism for hunting humans. I don't think Hawaiians were traditionally cannibals. No, I'm pretty sure I would have read something about that on the internet.
Don't touch anything. There are probably big bugs here. Oh yeah, eight inch centipedes. Great. Big. Giant. Fuckers. Why did we watch that Animal Planet show last night in the condo? The one with the Grasshopper Mouse that howls like a werewolf and hunts giant poisonous dessert centipedes. The centipedes here probably aren't poisonous. It would have said on the internet, right? The internet is never wrong.
Those grasshopper mice were pretty freaking cool. I wonder if they are like, descendants of were-mice or some shit.
Holy crap, FULL MOON HUNT. They're totally hunting were-pigs, aren't they? THAT'S what they're doing. I wonder if it's close to the full moon. Great, I almost twisted my ankle, is that how they get you? Leave all these roots lying all over the trail so you can't outrun them? Pigs would totally eat people. I saw Hannibal. I saw Snatch. Fuck, I'm gonna die. I should totally stop watching so many scary movies.
|And who the fuck decided that were-animals were sexy? I mean, come on, people. What's next? Sexy Ents?|
(I'm looking at you, Laurell K. Hamilton and Charlaine Harris!)
Boyfriend is totally right. It IS quiet out here. I can't hear anyone. The bamboo sure makes weird noises. Like Ents or some shit, talking to each other, rattling and shit. Or maybe that's the were-pigs signaling that they have some victims walking into their trap.
Fuck, I'm hot. Oh, wow, this is beautiful. I've never been in a bamboo forest before. Why is this so hard? The elevation is what, 500 feet? I should be flying up this trail.
OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
|Eight INCH centipedes. INCH. INCH INCH INCH INCH. Stupid brain.|
I thought this trail was only a mile and a half. It feels much longer than that. It's because the were-pigs moved the trail, they're totally going to kill us and eat us.
Why won't it fucking rain already? Don't touch that, there could be a centipede. It's a trap! Wow, my shoes are MUDDY.
Wait... really? We're there? Just in time for the rain. Fuck, yeah, we made it. This is absofuckinglutely beautiful!
So yeah, all in all, a good hike. I even learned some things:
1) Anyone who complains about the mosquitoes in Hawaii has not been to Colorado. That or we were EXTREMELY LUCKY, because mosquitoes LOOOOOOVE gnoshing on some Leauxra (I think it's because I have Kool-Aid for blood), and I never got bit in Hawaii.
2) DO NOT CONFUSE the word "inch" and "foot" in your head, or you will spend the entire hike worried about eight foot centepedes.
3) There are no large dangerous animals in Hawaii, except probaby were-pigs, and that they hunt on Wednesdays, Sundays, and during the full moon.
4) There are places in the world where the rain is warm, and it isn't terrible to walk in it.
5) There really is a fantastic view from the top.
|See? Paradise. Told you.|