Monday, July 9, 2012

A Quick Note to Crayola

Dear Crayola,

I have always been a huge fan of Crayola colors.

I have more crayons than any adult has right to.

And colored pencils.

And markers.

If I ever have a daughter, I will name her Crayola Pavlov*.

Recently, I decided I was going to start illustrating my posts on this here blog with markers and colors.  It was going to be completely damned awesome.**

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home.  I had an excuse to go down the school supply aisle!  The yellow and green Crayola packaging glowed out at me, the logo smiling its rainbow smile.

Not only are these the best and most brilliant colors, but unlike the fancy shmancy Prismacolors that "professionals" seem to like so much, these were cheap, easy to find, and washable.

After some back and forth, I went with the largest package I could find of Crayola SuperTips.

Sure, I noticed that there were some "fun scented" markers in the package... it did not escape my notice that there were absolutely no large packages of markers from you that didn't have "fun scented" markers included.

I'll be honest, though... I thought when you said "fun scented", you meant something more along the lines of, oh, I don't know, fun for children in some way.

But honestly, I didn't think much of it.  I assumed that the scented markers would be mostly fruity smells and it would be akin to coloring with my old Strawberry Shortcake dolls' heads.

Mostly, I was just excited.  So many colors!  So.  Many.    I couldn't wait to get started.

I was a little disturbed that these so-called fun-scented colors were dressed all in black, like some kind of biker gang coming to crash the local debutant ball, but I still wasn't too worried.

In fact, I looked at them with growing excitement.  They might be fun.  I started opening them up and sniffing them without even coloring with them.

Yes, Crayola.  You did this.

You got me sniffing ink (and they didn't get me high (not that I was trying)).

And despite the little marks of red and brown around my nose, I was still mostly OK with it.  Cherry!  Oh!  That one is burnt marshmallow!  How fun!  

And then we got to the blues and greens.

I don't know about you, Crayola, but when I think "Forest Pine" or "Fresh Air" or "Bay Breeze", the first thing that doesn't come to mind is an opium den.

What ever happened to Raspberry, Lime, and Blueberry? Why did you do this to me?  Why?

If you are going to perfume your markers with THAT kind of fun, you should just be honest:

Fresh Air: A Teenager's Bedroom

Bay Breeze: French Whore

Forest Pine: Lysol

I would appreciate it if you would please update your labels.

Thanks so much for listening,


*I will also train her to respond to bells and whistles.

** Why YES, Virginia, Leauxra IS working on some new posts, and she's ILLUSTRATING them.  With Crayolas.  And  ***SPOILER ALERT*** They're about Hawaii.  First one comes out on Thursday***

*** I am trying to get back into a twice a week schedule... Mondays and Thursdays.


Keith said...

All right then, Monday and Thursday. Eager to see the coloured artwork. Note the spelling.

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner said...

I have the same markers! I bought them for my kids *cough cough*- yeah right. I told Brock that I bought them for the kids, but I don't let the children touch them. And yes, I also have my own set of crayons.

I think that you should submit your name suggestions to Crayola. For shizzle.

Leauxra said...

Keith: What are you, Canadian or something? Ha ha ha. I am convinced that everyone will hate my illustrations, but I am determined to show them off anyway. :)

Johi: YAY for good taste in markers! And don't think I haven't sent these suggestions to Crayola. They have not only ignored my please for a sponsorship, but they didn't, apparently, think that "fun smelling like a blue French whore" was a good idea for new packaging. I can't imagine why...

Sandra said...

I do Bible studies with a group of women once a week (no, this is a not a comment to reprimand you on the use of the words French whore...) My point is that I find the Bible so utterly boring. I think if I had scented French Whore markers in which too dooble in the margin of the Bible, I enjoy my study know, I could draw baby Jesus in his manger, and draw sheep...lots and lots of sheep!
PS: As for your comment on my blog, in response, no, I don't get hungry because I find I don't eat "so little". I find a couple of sandwiches for lunch pretty filling compared to what the meager chicken breast and half cup of brown rice I had when I was in training. I find that good filling breakfast, lunch, and supper makes me feel full longer than the bland training food I was eating 6 times a day. Even though I was eating that frequently, by 3pm, I would open the cupboards, and be like, "Just one granola bar won't hurt...just one cookie...maybe two...ok, three and that's it!" Now I just eat three cookies. My body burns it off when I'm weight training or running. Hope this helps. I didn't mean to give the impression that that's ALL I eat in a day. Portion size now is directly relational to how hungry I am, not what my coach said I could have.

Leauxra said...

Sandra, for some reason I can see you saying, "your highlighter smells like a french whore," during bible study. I mean this as a compliment.

Also, thanks. I have a complete lack of awareness about how much to eat, so i try to follow guidelines. I am either hungry, or so hungry I'm sick, so I am trying to come up with a "plan" I can stick to. I am pretty sure I just need a major lifestyle change.

Jen said...

I love scented markers. Loooooooove them. It is not uncommon for my short people to find me huddled on the couch, huffing their markers with green and red smudges under my nose. I am not necessarily proud of this.

Leauxra said...

Jen: I am allergic to most perfumes... they make me break out in WTFISTHATSTENCH! Somehow, though, the fruity smells and food-like smells I am OK with.

The french whore smelling marker on the other hand...

I love that I am not the only one that sniffs markers... I mean, fun scented markers. You know what I mean. Have you tried Smencils?

Anonymous said...

Yay to Leauxra blogging again! I was about to send out a search party. Apparently, I needed to tell them to get a bloodhound who recognizes the scent of French Whore. ;)

I used to love having all sorts of coloring implements even before the kids. Do you remember paint pens? I loved those things in HS/college!! I just saw them again and it brought back all sorts of memories. Not to mention the smell! I mean, they don't smell like cherry or anything, just paint. Wait, does that make me a paint huffer? Well, shit.

Leauxra said...

Misty: I love that everyone believes me about the French Whore. Seriously. That is the stench, though.

I had the pleasure of using some Sharpees recently. That shit is PERMANENT when you get it on your nose, just FYI.

You're going to have to go to the store and get you some drawing stuff that you don't share with children. Because coloring is awesome.

Pish Posh said...

God help me, I love smelling pens. I really do.

the Tsaritsa said...

No matter how old I get, I will never stop loving Crayola crayons and markers! I have a box of crayons next to my bed, in the case that I get any late-night inspirations!

Leauxra said...

Pish Posh: Forget all those designer drugs out there... I appear to have uncovered an ink-sniffing epidemic! I would report it to the CDC or something, but I need to go "draw" something.

the Tsaritsa: I am completely amazed that there are so many people who seem to enjoy Crayolas as much as I do. It makes the universe seem a little brighter.

MakingSpace said...

First, hooray you posted!

Second, I would go to a Bible study with Sandra and Leauxra, and wild horses could not drag my carcass to one otherwise.

Third, I'm gonna need the detailed account of how you know what a French whore smells like.

Love said...

L - This post rocks my nose. :-) I love the SMENCILS!!! I have the huge crayola set, but when I was a nanny the kiddies got into it... so I think I should buy a new one.

The only markers I have are the Mr. Smelly ones... blue box, remember? Those are crayola right?

I also love the smell of newspaper, book ink, book binding glue (I think that's what it is), warm printer paper, and sharpened pencils.

Don't judge me.

Also, I'm with MakingSpace about the whole, going to bible study with you and Sandra... that sounds like FUN if we get to talk about French whores and COLOUR! WOOT! :-D

<3n'Hugs... oh, and you folks are in for an AMAZING treat... I was with Leauxra when she did one of the pieces I hope she posts. ;-)

erica said...

I much prefer the scent of plain, old fashioned crayons. There is nothing than the smell of a box of new crayons. Except for maybe the smell of an old book. Or my dog's little head.

Leauxra said...

MakingSpace: I am setting up a schedule that includes due dates and a Monday and Thursday post EVERY WEEK, so hopefully I will keep going and stop letting things get in the way. And I think I WOULD need you and Sandra, and Love to make it through a bible study.

And under the advice of my lawyer, I'm not telling you why I know what a French whore smells like. :)

Love: I like those smells, too, although someone recently told me that the smell of old books makes her have to poo. This is apparently more common than you would believe. The piece I did at your house is going on another post... Thursday is about snorkeling. And Jaws.

erica: TOTALLY! I love that wax smell. It is apparently a thing that real estate agents do in new houses... they put a couple of crayons in the heat duct so people like the smell of the house more. Who would have thought it?

thoughtsappear said...

Forest Pine? Sounds like a car air freshner.

Whenever I buy markers or crayons, I'm always like, "I need ALL the colors!"

Leauxra said...

Thoughtsy: EXACTLY.

Forest Pine really smelled like a cheap cleaner... like something you would use to clean up after your encounter with "Bay Breeze Blue"...

PudMonkey said...

Yay! You're back! In one of the drawing classes I took in college, I drew almost everything in crayon. It was awesome. There's just emerging inherently happy about a big box of crayolas. :-)

PudMonkey said...

Yay! You're back! In one of the drawing classes I took in college, I drew almost everything in crayon. It was awesome. There's just emerging inherently happy about a big box of crayolas. :-)

PudMonkey said...

Yay! You're back! In one of the drawing classes I took in college, I drew almost everything in crayon. It was awesome. There's just emerging inherently happy about a big box of crayolas. :-)

karensomethingorother said...

okay, but I'm confused...scented markers GOOD or scented markers BAD? Did crayola not deliver on their promise? My friend, in grade 4, had one pencil crayon scented like "violets" and we sniffed that thing like mad. It smelled awesome.

looking forward to your new illustrations!

Leauxra said...

PudMonkey: YAY YAY YAY! Crayolas are the best. Don't think I wasn't worried you would steal that name for your little girl.

karensomethingorother: A bit of both, a bit of both. I actually can't use French Whore Blue without gagging a little, so that was bad, but if they were HONEST, maybe it wouldn't have been so much of a problem I just want them to rename the smells, really.