Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Self Humilation. I Mean Evaluation

It's that time of year again. That time of year when all the corporate monkeys who happen to belong to my particular corporate zoo are expected to write up a report about how we did, what makes us awesome, and why (should the corporate gods decide that they made enough millions for the fiscal year) we should get a raise and/or bonus.

I have this terrible irrational hatred of doing this, and find myself hoping I get fired or laid off or get into a horrible car accident so I don't have to.

"They" also have a requirement that I write this thing in third person.

Leauxra's Self Humiliation Evaluation:

We have to have a minimum of 3 goals, 1 stretch goal, whatever the hell that means, and "measures" by which to judge our abilities to meet our goals. 

I suppose this would be meaningful if I had projects and tasks that had beginnings, middles, and ends, but the fact is that I do the exact same thing every day, no change.  I am a drone.  Usually I just paste last year's goals into this years goals and then copy and paste my measures in from the same Word document that I used two years ago. 

This year I decided to be creative.  Following is an example.
Goal 1: Don't quit.

Leauxra did not quit this fiscal year.

Quarter 1 Measure: Leauxra went to work.

Quarter 2 Measure: Leauxra kept her social networking and blogging to slightly less than two-thirds of her work day.  She plans to improve this metric for the remainder of the year so that she will remain employed, and has set a new goal of 90% of her time to be spent messing around on the interwebs during work hours.

Quarter 3 Measure: Leauxra didn't quit even though she wanted to.  Really bad.

Quarter 4 Measure: Yup, she's still here. You can tell because she's writing her frickin' self evaluation.

After working at this company for three and a half years, I still don't know what they expect me to put in this section.  I usually copy the same things I put into my goals, and call it good.  Not this year!

Developments 1:  World Peace
Leauxra has brought about world peace though her efforts in the development section of the learning modules.

After single-handedly breaking up the Somail pirates and rescuing the princess, Leauxra went on to climb Mount Everest 16 times and removed 48,000 million billion tons of trash from the mountain.  She then personally washed every oil-soaked ocean dwelling creature, cured AIDS, and installed a water filtration system for the continent of Africa.

Let's face it, guys:  Leauxra is the awesome. 

Once again, I have no frickin' clue what they want from me here.  Wouldn't these be the same as the developments?  And the goals?  WTF, guys, are you just trying to see how many different ways I can say the same thing?

Leauxra is ALL KINDS of competent.  She also knows you totally won't fire her because, let's face it, she has a really crazy annoying job, and no one else wants it.  She also works for slave wages, and hardly ever complains as long as you leave her alone.  So why don't you take your "competency" rating and shove it?

Oh, and also?  Leauxra is TOTALLY prepared for the zombie uprising, so you totally need people like this in corporate America.  You KNOW that's where the zombies will come from.

It all kinda reminds me of Composition 1 in college... say what you're going to say, say it, say what you just said.  Seriously, are they just judging our ability to survive repetition?
Leauxra loves writing about herself in the third person, because she didn't already feel like a self-aggrandizing douche-bag writing her self-evaluation.

Leauxra could fill out her self evaluation saying nothing but 'Kiss my ass, crackers!' and still keep her job. It would not, however, get her a raise. Probably. And considering her wage erosion (her benefits cost more, so she takes home about 15% less than she did two years ago), she really would like something.

Leauxra loves this time of year because it makes her sounds like Sméagol, precious, and we loves it.

We doesn't counts on a raise, oh no, precious. Dirty stinking bosses won't gives us anything at all. Wants us to starve, gollum, gollum.   Sweet bosses, nice bosses, they will pity us, gollum gollum.



Timmah said...

Y'know, I've got a similar requirement to write my evaluations in the third-person. I hadn't thought about it much, lately, but it might be time to shake it up, if I'm still employed by the next review period. I'm thinking of trying a second-person evaluation.

"As surely as your name is Tim, you're a damned good worker. You hardly ever yell at the customers, and you're not NEARLY as much of a condescending jackass as those other IT people that have to deal with the wretched excuses for people that they call 'end-users.'
"As you groggily roll out of bed and pull your pants on for your daily 30 minute commute across the hall to go to work, you mutter to yourself, 'I hate this fucking place.' That will be your mantra for the day. You change it up, a bit, day-to-day, but the core is pretty much always the same: 'this job sucks.' At least they won't replace you, though; who else would want to shoulder your burden?"

Et cetera.

Leauxra said...

Timmah, your self evaluation sounds like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book. Just add in, "What will Timmah do now? Scratch himself (page 12), Drink Coffee (page 14), Drink Scotch (page 40).

MilkyWay said...

Very funny - as usual. I don't think it's an irrational hatred at all. I mean, does it make sense for us to have to give ourselves a self-evaluation? Who says we aren't lying? Aren't we just doing the work for the bosses? I almost feel as if we have to write our own evaluation because they really don't know everything that we do throughout the day...or week... or month. We are just justifying our jobs and positions aren't we? It's a system to keep tabs on us so the boss doesn't have to. It's the opporunity to sell ourselves and a plea to keep our jobs.

Anonymous said...

I used to hate evaluations. Last job I got lucky. My boss wrote goals and I typed them up. The boil down of it was "do what I tell you to do, when I tell you to do it, or preferably before." I retired/got laid off last month. I won't miss it at all.

Anonymous said...

Thank GAWD I don't have to do these anymore! When I worked for the TV station, they made us do them, and to add the icing to the crapcake, they had bought these generic boilerplate forms that had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with our jobs. "Completes assignments on time." I dunno, was the news on today? Then, yeah, I did that.

Heather said...

I love this.
I have to do the same type of thing a couple times a year teaching and it is soooooo lame. Question like - How did you help failing students?
Duh. I told them to get to work.
I am going to go in more of your direction next year.
Thank you for being such a good example!!!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday (a couple days late)! How was your post-Rapture birthday?

Shane said...

I totally understand your terrible/irrational hatred. It's a horrendous, humiliating process and, as far as I'm concerned, just another instrument of control. What makes it the most horrible is that there are hordes of people who LOVE this shit and think, or appear to think, that this process is a good thing involving growth.
Fucking hell. It's not enough that I sold my soul, I have to tell you I LIKE getting bent over my desk every day.....

Leauxra said...

MilkyWay: I DID realize this time through that with the number of times my boss has changed in the last year, i could write WHATEVER I wanted, and no one would have the wherewithal to contradict me. Muahaha.

serenitygame: I am so jealous right now... maybe you should write up some goals and a self-evaluation for your retirement...

hoodyhoo: Yeah, mine is kind a like that. Exactly what is a stretch goal, and what does it have to do with completing orders on time?

Heather: I figure that even if they fire me, I will have gotten a laugh. Not them, they won't laugh. Me. As they call security to escort me from the building.

thoughtsappear: Had a great post-Rapture party... I may even post some pictures so that everyone can go INSANE with jealousy.

Shane: I did not sell my soul. I leased it out, and I expect it back when I move on (although I will probably have to reupholster it, who knows where these corporate types have been...)

Julia Johnston said...

OH I get to do this twice a year... last year they changed it so you litterally just clicked on 5 dots for each section.. did not meet, met, or exceeded expectations. I JUMPED for joy until I found out that we had to bring our points to PROVE why we selected the ones we did... in the end they choose what they want to rate you at anyway rendering all the stupid work we did pointless.

GRRRR Telecom sucks!!

Leauxra said...

Julia, I totally understand the feeling, and in all honesty, I do the minimum possible to get through the self evaluation process... which at my company is done in stages, with quarterly updates, and specific tasks to be completed at specific times before the system closes out a section. I love that they try to add even MORE stress to something completely ridiculous. People keep telling me, "It's how you get a raise!" except that no one has gotten a raise here in years, so I am mostly in mental meltdown. One day I think I am going to quit over this.

Julia said...

Actual email exchange between me and my boss this week.

HIM:Just wanted you guys to have ample time for the mid-year performance review.
Details are available at the below link

ME:Good lord on a bicycle…. Is it that time already???
Here let me do mine right now… IM AWESOME! I hope you agree… now when do I get a raise? ;)

HIM:It sure is.....and I am in total concurrence with the awesome part....hope you feel the same way about me? J
Midyear review + Pay Raise = Silly
I’ll ask D to see if he will allow me to give my team a raise...even though it’s only midyear.
If you don’t see me ever again....please understand that the pay raises were denied.

Leauxra said...

You have a boss that answers emails?????? Wow. I use to. But he was laid off. I am now on boss # 3 for the year. My new one didn't notice when I took a day off.