Friday, May 6, 2011

If Wishes were Horses...

Dear Santa,

I know we've had our differences in the past, and I acknowledge your right to ignore me for the last two Christmases after my unseemly outburst a while back.  However.  There is still time to make things right.  I'm extending the old olive branch, here, buddy.

Sorry I called you a good for nothing douche-nozzle.  It was uncalled for.

I know it isn't Christmas, but... I have a birthday coming up in a couple weeks.  It would be really cool if you were to make an appearance.  And I, in turn, will keep my wish list short, and slightly less materialistic than the last one.

I've given up on the pet octopus.  I bought my own car, so I don't need a Jeep.  And I understand that with mineral rights and utilities access, it is difficult to find the RIGHT 80 acres in the mountains for me to settle on.  I also understand that you don't want to give me a winning lottery ticket (maybe you're just not that magical, you know? Maybe it isn't that you don't want to give it to me, but that you aren't ABLE to, and were too embarrassed to say.  That's fine, I am OK with that (sort of)). 

I don't want the impossible, Santa, but it would be cool if you could help out with a few things.

First of all, I would like to go a whole day without stomach cramps.  So far so good today, but this is after reducing my intake to bananas, rice, applesauce, toast, and oatmeal.  Grown ups can't eat that shit day in and day out.  I want PIZZA.  I want a BEER.  What the shit, Santa?  Is there anything you can do?  I am totally tied of feeling sick.

Feeling sick all the time makes me feel old.  I know, I know, I am going to be 35 soon, but damn!  There is NO REASON for my body to rub it in.  Anything you can do, any pull with the medicine gods or whatever.  And you can give this to me early, I don't mind not having anything to unwrap on the day itself.  Getting my insides to stop aching would be gift enough.

Let me know if I need to sacrifice a goat or whatever.  I'll do it.

Second, I KNOW you aren't going to give me THE WINNING lottery ticket.  I understand.  But what about a small lottery?  I am OK with tens of thousands of dollars instead of millions.  Tens of thousands of dollars would make a huge difference in my life, and give me the best gift of all... the ability to quit my job.

I know, I know, I am a thinking, "mature" adult type person, and I can quit my job if I want to.  It isn't like I am being shipped from some slave planet to work in an orbital call center where three tardies get you shunted out the airlock or something.  But I have to be a little responsible, especially with this flesh eating abdominal disease I seem to have, I need the insurance.  It's just so freaking boring, though, especially since I lost my iPod.

My cube neighbors aren't even talking about Batman or Thor or anything.  Yesterday I got to listen to a guy describe in detail what goes into putting up a privacy fence.  I wanted to say, "Dude, you've been talking about this frickin' fence for 20 minutes?  Don't you work?  If you love privacy fences so much, maybe you should put one up so I don't have to listen to you droning on about it!"

Anyway.  Whatever you can do would be awesome.

And this leads us to the other thing I want.  A new iPod.  I know I lost the other one, but seriously, please, I need it.  I can't stand it.  Please. Please.  PU-LEEEEZE.  You don't even have to give it to me directly.  You could just kinda nudge all my friends into giving me Best Buy gift cards so I can get it myself.  If I get enough of them, maybe I can get a camera, too.  How awesome would THAT be?

So anyway, it was nice to talk to you Santa.  I hope you forgive me, and are willing to work with me here.  I know you like to save your goodwill for little kids and all, but if you add up the digits of my age, that makes me 8 years old, which should be totally acceptable.

Love and kisses,


Timmah said...

What? NOTHING goes into privacy fences. It's just a few posts sunk in concrete, some 2x4's for bracing, and then boards. That's IT. How the frick did that guy talk about privacy fences for twenty frickin' minutes?!

Leauxra said...

It might have been longer than 20 minutes. Detailed descriptions of different methods, what method he used on a fence when he built his house 35 years ago, a fence he once saw with metal posts... and on... and on... and on... He was standing in the cube hall talking to my cube neighbor who sounded INTERESTED. For crying out loud.

Anonymous said...

the privacy fence guy is just weird -- I bet his neighbors ASKED him to build it so they didn't have to deal with him anymore. As for the belly-plague, sometimes I have to just give up and eat something wildly inappropriate just to show my stomach who's boss... but I spent the weekend throwing up, so take my advice for what it's worth! (and happy upcoming birthday!)

Anonymous said...


Mail of the Living Dead:
A Zombie Mail Art Call

Leauxra said...

Privacy fence guy IS weird, there's no getting around it. He was the same guy I heard discussing Twilight a few months back, and going into detail as to why it was a pretty good movie.

Feeling better today. I think my theory is holding true... I have a food allergy to Mondays and am Tuesday Intolerant.

Anonymous said...

Dear Santa, What she said. Sincerely, Thoughts