Friday, May 13, 2011

Left Behind for the Rapture Birthday Bash

I am almost halfway to 70.  Seems like there should be a lesson there.

35 sounds old.

When my mom was 35, I was 11.  When I was 11, the thing I wanted most for my birthday was a Pound Purry stuffed animal.  I wanted the Siamese cat version.  I got it, but I also got the flu for my birthday, so couldn’t even enjoy my cake.

Other memorable birthdays:

When I was 18, a friend of mine had me ordained a minister of the Universal Life Church.  This means that technically, I can add the honorific “Reverend” to my name, and it ‘s technically legal for me to perform marriages.  So what did I do?  I performed a temporary marriage (not to last more than 5 years) between two friends (both girls, and neither gay) in the fountain in Old Town Square in Fort Collins.  We managed to finish before the security guards chased us out.

When I turned 33, I jumped out of a plane.  Nothing was wrong with the plane, and I did this on purpose.  I have never in my life been more convinced that I would have a heart attack as my hands went numb and I looked down below my feet and saw the plane zooming away because I was upsidown.  You can say you’re happy to be alive all you want, but until you are completely convinced that something is going to kill you and then land on the ground safe and sound a few minutes later, you don’t really understand what “happy to be alive” means.

Anyway.  There’s been a lot in the news about the world ending on the day before my birthday.  Damned inconvenient if you ask me.  Kinda like the year that the tornado sirens went off while I was at work and got to spend a good chunk of the day in the bathroom (tornado shelter) with my coworkers.  Awesome.

Stupid Rapture screws everything up.

How am I supposed to have a birthday party if the world ended the day before?

If NPR says it, it must be true, right?

I do take heart in the fact that the world has been about to end for frickin' ever, so what are the chances that they'll be right this time?

If you really need to know why I am so blasé about this, check this site out...

My favorite bit is:  "ca. 4,500,000,000 AD       The sun will swell into a red giant star, swallowing Mercury, Venus, Earth, and perhaps Mars. This will be the true end of the world!"

Still.  Seems like a good excuse for a theme party.  Here are some ideas:

Left Behind for the Rapture Birthday Bash – while this MAY offend some people, they will be all raptured that day anyway, so the rest of us can drink us some beer.

Disco-Zombie-Jello-End-of-the-World-Tupperware-Birthday-Party – It’s got everything!  From Harvest Gold and Avacado Tupperware to tinsel hair and zombies!  I think I even have a brain-shaped Jello mold and MAY have a CD of Disco hits around somewhere.

Meh.  I may be too lazy for a theme party.   I think I’ll just stick with rootbeer floats, hot dogs, and booze.  Always a winner (I promise not to pass out this time before the guests eat dinner (probably)).


Anonymous said...

remember to make sure all your "holy" friends give you your presents early... like tell them you're going out of town or something. Otherwise they might be holding your present when they got Raptured and I think that might leave a stain...

Anonymous said...

Mind if I borrow your Disco Zombie idea for my birthday? Just in case the world ends, I won't start planning until June.

Leauxra said...

Hoodyhoo: You're totally right! Who knows what kind of rapture stains people will leave behind. Not that I know a whole lot of people who WON'T be left behind.

Thoughtsappear: Yes, totally do it. But I think you should add in the tupperware and jello. Those are important aspects. The good news is that if there is an zombie apocalypse, you don't have to change you plans.

LeeAnn said...

If the world is ending, I'm having a Hello Kitty masquerade ball. With pudding shots and strolling jugglers. And strippers. Alien strippers! With frickin' laser beams on their heads!
I need to go breathe in a paper bag now.

Leauxra said...

LeeAnn, I am pretty sure that Hello Kitty IS a sign of the apocalypse. Although... I did once have a Hello Kitty toaster that put Hello Kitty's face on every slice of toast and always made the most perfect toasted goodness.

Can I come to your party?

LeeAnn said...

Sure. Bring the toaster, 'kay?

StephanieC said...

Rapture or not, theme parties require so much EFFORT... nevermind the clean up afterwards.


It's a no win.

Leauxra said...

StephanieC, I got a solution for you... you got to schedule the rapture for your birthday. That way, OTHER people will clean up the messes. And do the cooking. All you have to do is hold up your glass when you are out of beer, and shout, "FEED ME!" every once in a while to get some food. It's full of win.

Leauxra said...

Also, thanks to hoodyhoo, someone found my blog by googling "rapture stains".