Friday, October 7, 2011

Zumba Tried to Kill Me

There is a new fitness challenge at work right now.  We're supposed to all try to go to some of the classes that they have, and try them out.

We get free socks if we participate.


But this means that I have to step out of the box, as it were, and try new things.

It turns out that my abject fear of yoga was unfounded. Yoga's OK, and I kinda like it (I am pretty sure just saying that has caused an imbalance in the universe).

It was zumba I should have been worried about.

Zumba tried to kill me.

No, I didn't have fun, please stop looking at me in disbelief. I left the class sweaty, frustrated, a little bit angry, and with a slightly pulled muscle in my back.

No, I seriously did not have fun, stop acting so surprised. I felt (and probably looked) like I was having a seizure. I don't WANT to "wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle and turn, then shake shake shake my hips". Fuck you.

I will have to admit, though, that the class wasn't nearly as bad as the complete disappointment everyone around me seems to have in my lack of enthusiasm.  I would rather do endless push-ups and sit-ups and run until my feet bleed than go back to zumba.  Sorry. 

Random Coworker in the Class that I Don't Know (RCitCtIDK): "It takes some getting used to."

Another Random Coworker in the Class that I Don't Know (ARCitCtIDK): "I still don't know all the steps!  Don't worry!"

Wait, was I supposed to be worried?  Was I THAT bad?

RCitCtIDK: "I just feel so good afterwards.  Don't you feel good?"

Me:  "Uh.  Heh.  Um...."  I looked around.  "No."

ARCitCtIDK: "HA HA HA, you should come back.  We have such a good time together!"

RCitCtIDK: "I feel so good afterwards."

ARCitCtIDK: "Don't worry, we all had to learn!"

Me:  "Uh.  I'll think about it.  Excuse me.  I have something to do.  Over there."  (Makes escape).

I'm sorry.  I didn't like it.

I am not judging you.  Go do your sexy aerobics.  It's fine. 

I don't do sexy aerobics, I look more like someone is randomly zapping me with a cattle prod.  I kept wondering why I was facing the back and nearly falling off the riser in the workout room.

New rule:  If someone tries to get me to go to any kind of fast paced  dance-type exercise class where my limbs may flail around in random directions and may or may not come in contact (accidentally) with other people's faces, I will say "No."

I have a dexterity of 2 (I really need to talk to my parents about how they set up my character sheet.  I mean, seriously, it would have been nice to have a slightly higher charisma).

I, apparently, have no rhythm.  There are not enough saving throws in the world to rescue me from my own inept "dancing". 

This makes me a little sad.  I HATE it when I am not instantly good at something.  Hate it.

But I digress.  I have been feeling pretty low lately, and I need to keep myself from focusing on the negative.

I need to think about things that I am good at, things that I am improving on, happy happy joy joy no I am NOT FUCKING DEPRESSED, FUCK YOU NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!  I AM HAPPY, GODDAMN IT!  HAPPY!  LA! LA! LA! SKIPPING THROUGH THE WOODS HAPPY!  DO YOU SEE ME FUCKING SMILING?!?!





I am a ray of fucking sunshine.

***deep breath***

I think I need to stop with the classes and just go back to running.


blue said...

So are you going to go to Yoga with me now? There is nothing sexy or aerobic about it.

Tim said...


Everyone has a price. At least, that's what they say. They say that everyone has a price.

And you have a price.

And your price is (ahem) socks.

Free socks.

I'm going to go will myself to stop breathing, now. I don't want to live in this world anymore.

Leauxra said...

blue: I will reconsider. But the heat? Ummm... scary...

Tim: I made you stop BREATHING?? Shit. That's awesome.

PudMonkey said...

I took a zumba class once. It tried to kill me, too...even though I have coordination and rhythm and stuff. It STILL tried to kill me. I'd rather just go dancing. Way mote fun, but decidedly lacking in free socks.

Itsacoyote said...

What, Tim, socks aren't worth it? I'd have done it. But only for some good socks. They had better be some damn good socks.
Hell, I sold my soul just to use a laptop for five minutes. I really needed to use one.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd said...

As an introvert, I really don't see the appeal of a group of people dancing around who's goal is not to learn how to dance but to have fuuuunnn and burn calories. Your zumba experience only confirms my suspicions.

Stephanie said...

I could use some new socks. I like zumba, but I can definitely understand why some people don't! I'm not sexy when I dance. No, really. I know that's hard to believe, since I positively ooze sex appeal while folding laundry and walking the dog. But cattle prod is a pretty good mental image of what I look like in zumba. Still...I like it. Of course, I'd rather do just about anything other than *shudder* run.

MakingSpace said...

Catching up after a week away myself. The post vacay blues suck. I hereby promise to not try to do Zumba to get myself out of them. I am looking askance at my yoga DVD, too, if the truth be known...

Angie said...

I don't blame you one bit! I hated Zumba. I can run, walk, do the elliptical, love yoga, and enjoy kicking the shit out of a heavy bag... but I would sooner yank my leg hairs out one at a time than go back to Zumba class.

Leauxra said...

Itsacoyote: I'm glad there's SOMEONE out there who understands the relevance of a good pair of socks. Also, I never sold my soul, but I did lease it for a while. I needed the money.

Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd: Take it from me, it is totally and completely horrifying. Stay away from it. It will try to kill you.

Stephanie: Yeah, no, I don't care if OTHER people like it. I mean, there are people out there who actually like broccoli, so I understand that there are differing viewpoints an all. For some reason, though, maybe the instructor, maybe my mood, whatever, but that class really stressed me out. And I love running, even though I suck at it. See? People are weird.

Making Space: Don't let that DVD talk you into anything you don't want to do. However, it is probably not wise to listen to anything I say, as I am really really really good at excuses.

wagthedad said...

I HATE dancing classes. I took a few with the wife several years back. Like ballroom dancing. Like waltz, foxtrot, tango, and all that shit. I totally went back to 7th grade, standing in the gym, afraid for my life. And to top it all off, we had to change partners in the class, so I was either left dancing with overweight sixty-somethings or eurotrashy girls who absolutely would not disguise their disgust at dancing with me.

Yoga's better. Sure, people look around and compare, but usually - if you find the right class - people are just trying not to fall on their asses.

Plus, you can't give up those free socks, right?

Hoody Hoo said...

The only dancing-aerobics type thing I've ever been able to do without severe personal injury is "Sweatin' to the Oldies." Tae Bo tried to kill me a long time ago, so I'm fairly sure Zumba has been sent to finish the job!

Leauxra said...

wagthedad: It is ALL about the socks. Seriously, I can't think of another reason I would have even tried Zumba.

HoodyHoo: Thank YOU for bringing up Richard Simmons. I am not sure we can be friends anymore after that.

Paula said...

I've never tried Zumba, but I'm a sucker for free socks so if someone offers them in exchange I will do almost anything, cause I'm cheap like that.

Jen said...

Zumba makes me stabby. Too many white girls trying to be J. Lo.

Leauxra said...

Paula: See? YOU understand. Socks. For free. I have, however, learned that they are not kneehigh pink socks covered in muscaches, but some kind of workout sock. They had better be AMAZING.

Jen: That, too. Or, in the case of where I work, too many 50+ corporate white women.

Leauxra said...

Angie: Thank you for that lovely imagery. It reminds me of the time I tried to use an Epilady, and the sound of shattering electronics as it was thrown faster than the speed of sound across the room. But Zumba sucks more, you're right.

Anonymous said...

I love Zumba, and don't do it to be sexy. But I remember the first time I did it and was like "Fuck NO!" because I felt like a half-dead one legged blind ostrich trying to do the moves. But I had paid for an entire 8 weeks and was determined not to lose my money, so I went and got better. Now I enjoy it. But I can totally see how it is not for everyone. I see people who go once and never return. If yoga works for you, good on ya. I always fall down. I have no balance or stamina, apparently. But I envy those that look so graceful doing it.

Leauxra said...

mistylaws: You know, I probably just lack motivation, and I was all depressed from coming back from vacation. I only had to go once to get the socks, and it was free. Well, free in that I only have to trade pieces of my soul sitting in a gray cubicle 5 days a week to be able to go to this gym, but "free" in that I don't have any financial obligation.

Today was "Bosu Core" ouch it hurts to move laugh or breathe, and tomorrow is "Body Bar", which I am pretty sure will also try to kill me. I am shooting for at least three pairs of socks.

Anonymous said...

I actually love Zumba, which given my size is pretty amazing, but I learned rather quickly that sometimes adaptations need to be made. For example, there was one belly dance type move that works fine for a skinny girl, but for someone my size it required a little change. I was finding that when my hip was going down, my ass was still in the momentum of the coming up movement. Far too much jiggling. Thankfully, the teacher was nice and showed me what I could do to prevent the rest of the class from getting grossed out.

Leauxra said...

thesacredandtheprofane: You know, I've heard so many fantabulous reviews of Zumba, but no one ever takes into account the fact that I am more clumsy that can be believed. Seriously. The only time I look elegant is when I am sitting still, and even then I once stubbed my toe while sitting at a table, and my knees always have bruises from banging them into my desk.

I think I'll stick to running. At least then I can pretend I am running from zombies. Keeps me motivated. ha ha.