Friday, October 21, 2011

The Reason I Called in Sick on Wednesday

"Up!" she shouted.

I was sweating, maybe groaning a little bit.  Shit, I can't do this I can't do this I'm going to die, this is the longest five seconds of my life!

"Down!" she said.

"Uuuuugh," I groaned.  My feet kept spinning the pedals while I tried to catch my breath, but it was no use. 

"UP!" she shouted.


I stood up again, maybe a half an inch from the seat, and kept my mouth shut.  I didn't have enough strength to go further.  I was going to die, I was going to explode,  I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HAVE FUCKING COUNTED TO FIVE WHY ARE WE STILL FUCKING STANDING?

"Down!" she shouted.

This time I thumped down with an audible grunt.  I wondered if I was going to have a heart attack.  That would show them.  Making me exercise.  At least I would have an excuse to stop pedaling.

This was my first ever spin class.

If you don't know, a spin class is where you sit in a semi-circle of stationary bikes while trying to follow the lead of an incredibly toned and muscular woman, while surrounded by other sweating and grunting idiots who thought this was a good idea.

It is the latest in a long line of fitness classes I have joined at the wellness center at work.

Normally, I am not much into these types of group fitness classes, but I keep being drawn in by the idea of free socks, so I keep going.

Free. Socks.

And I have learned some valuable lessons:

  1. I hate zumba.  A lot.
  2. Classes that have an "X" in the title are hard.
  3. Anything with the words "body bar" or "bosu" are also going to be hard.
  4. Pretty much, any class is going to be hard, and make me feel weak.
  5. Everyone has a price.  Mine is socks.*
*Thanks, Tim, for pointing this out to me recently.

I, so far, have managed not to cry in any of these classes.

But I have to keep going.

And it isn't just the free socks.

No, really, it isn't.  Not just the free socks.

Spin class was held in the hour before I started work (yes, I came in early for this). 

I arrived at 7 AM.  They all knew each other, and I had a momentary feeling of being the odd man out.  These guys had been "spinning" together for years.  But since I almost always feel like the odd man out, I decided that I would pretend I didn't notice the sidelong looks and whispered asides.  I would tough it out, whatever happened.  It was only 45 minutes.  I would fucking WIN this race, damnit. 

Win it.

About 20 minutes in, I was sweating more than I ever remember sweating in my life, and three things happened at once.
  1. My foot slipped out of the pedal and I was nearly pulled underneath my stationary bike.  I saw my life flash before my eyes before catching myself and getting right again. 
  2. I sat hard on the seat, which was not as soft as my real bicycle seat, and I wasn't wearing bike shorts because they are a little tight these days.  So when I thumped down on the seat, I think I bruised something... er... delicate.
  3. I kept pedaling.
What am I, stupid?

And while my conscious mind was thinking, "OW, FUCK, SHIT! OW, THAT HURT!  GODDAMN, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU, DIE DIE DIE!" and I was concentrating on not saying any of this shit out loud in front of my coworkers, underneath it all, I was determined, no, more than that, I was CERTAIN I would do this, I would finish this class.  Because I have to be in shape.  Because I have to be able to escape the zombies.

I'm serious.  That was what kept me going and got me through spin class.


I showered and cleaned up, and started the quarter mile trek through the building to my desk.

It was a strange feeling, being a few minutes early to work, so I wasn't really paying attention when I started down the stairs and nearly collapsed.  I had to grab the railing to keep from falling, and my wet towel went sliding out of my shoulder strap and fell to the floor.  I hesitated in retrieving it, and it actually crossed my mind that I could just leave my wet towel on the stairs, but good sense and cheapness made me stretch down (without bending by legs) and snag it.

My legs had lost all strength, but they didn't hurt at all.  This may have been a bad sign.

I staggered to my desk, trying not to look drunk and looking like I was really drunk, and pretended to work for a couple of hours.

It hurt to sit, and I realized that on top of the bruise, I may have chaffed my delicates, too.


At 10:15, I managed to pull myself to my feet again and wander down the hallway.  A few weeks ago, I had signed up for a free flu shot at work, and I had almost forgotten.  I considered skipping it, but, you know.  It was free and all...

Sometimes I wonder if I would get a full frontal lobotomy if they were giving them out for free at Walgreen's.

Anyway, here are some things I learned while getting my flu shot at work:
  1. Do not wear a shirt that you can't roll up beyond your elbow. Otherwise, you will basically have to strip half naked in front of random coworkers in the Falling Aspen Leaf Conference Room.
  2. Doctors (or nurse practitioners) do not appreciate it when you make exaggerated grimaces when they give you a shot, even if it really hurts.
  3. They also have no sympathy when you say, "That hurt!" in a wounded, tearful voice, even though you went to the extra effort to not say, "That HURT, Fucker!"
  4. Do not, repeat, do NOT realize that you have just allowed a corporation to INJECT SOMETHING INTO YOUR ARM.

I spent the afternoon thinking about how pointless it is to work out so hard when I am going to end up BEING a zombie because I was stupid enough to let them inject the zombie virus in my arm, and that my legs hurt, and my arm hurt, and I want to go home, I won't cry I won't cry I won't cry. 

That night I started to feel sick.  A little off.  Something wasn't right.

My neck was a little swollen, my throat hurt.  I had a headache.  My bones hurt.

Holy shit, dude, I was joking.  I didn't actually think they were making me into a zombie.


And that, my friends,  is why I stayed home from work the next day, which was a Wednesday, with instructions to my loved ones to destroy my brain if I started to turn.  I couldn't trust them to finish me off at work.


JnetRuns said...

"Sometimes I wonder if I would get a full frontal lobotomy if they were giving them out for free at Walgreen's." Classic!

Anonymous said...

Did the vials happen to say "Umbrella Corp" on the side? 'Cause then you may be fucked...

Keith said...

The first time is always the hardest. Spin class, lobotomy, getting made into a zombie, whatever. I blame the flu shot. You know they put stuff in that shot to make you watch television, which turns your brain into tapioca pudding, which is all at the behest of aliens that happen to like tapioca.

Leauxra said...

JnetRuns: It is unfortunately probably true.

hoodyhoo: Wait, is that the little green and red alternating colors circle thing? Come to think of it...

Keith: I do mean to go back next week, provided I regain the use of my legs by then. To spin class, not to get another flu shot. I had no idea that the aliens were ALSO zombies. More conspiracies. YAY!

Paula said...

Those must be some pretty great they have fluffy unicorns on them or something even cooler?

Anonymous said...

Wow do you love some socks. You, my dear, are a sock whore.

I took a spin class once. ONCE. It also tried to kill me. I think those bikes are evil. That was the worst workout I have ever had to endure. Hated every second of it. Good luck if you go back.

Leauxra said...

Paula: The worst part is that I haven't seen the socks yet. I have to wait until this "challenge" is over with. I am really hoping they aren't lame white bobby socks.

mistylaws: I will freely admit I am a sock whore. It is a sickness.

PudMonkey said...

I hope, for your sake, that the socks are the most amazing socks on the whole entire planet. Even cooler than my toe socks with cute little monsters all over them.

Furthermore, I hope, for the rest of our sakes (does anybody really know what a "sake" is anyways??), that your evil corporation didn't inject you with a zombie virus. That stuff spreads, you know.

Leauxra said...

PudMonkey: I am pretty sure these will be some kind of exercise socks, but I hope they make my feet feel like I am walking on clouds and rainbows.

And I don't think I'm a zombie. I don't think so. I mean, I have this strange craving for brains, but... uh... what was I saying? ... brains.... BRRRRAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNSSS

Angie said...

Oooooh wobbly legs after a work out are a GOOD sign. I'm not sure if it's a good sign of anything except muscle exhaustion, but I'm told it's good. Not only am I proud of you for trying another new class... but also for not crying. Let's be real... sometimes you just want to vomit, cry, and quit all at the same time! YOU.DID.GOOD!

I hope you're feeling all better now!

Leauxra said...

Angie: I even tried another new class today, called "kickboxing". Honestly, I don't understand why they keep letting me into these classes. But I didn't hurt anyone, not even myself (except I may have pulled a muscle in my thumb (I don't understand, either)).

And thanks. Who knew that "getting in shape" was so hard?

Stephanie said...

I did a spin class once. I HATED it. No, seriously, I really truly despised every minute of it. My butt hurt for three days. Spin class is evil. (But I do love you for mentioning zombies. Is it strange that my heart skips a happy little beat every time I read the word "zombie" on one of my favourite blogs?)

Leauxra said...

Stephanie: my butt is finally starting to recover from the spin class pounding it took, and my legs have finally started to become bendy again. Can you believe I am considering going BACK to spin class? I hate that it won.

Also, it is perfectly acceptable to feel giddy at the sight of the word zombie. It's true for me, too (and also I am terribly flattered that you consider me one of your favorites)

Anonymous said...

You're the bravest person I know. Spin classes sound scary; I'm afraid to take one.

But you bring up an excellent point about the zombies.

StephanieC said...

#3 is my fucking favourite by far. You DID show immense restraint. I find sometimes the sailor swearing is just flying out of my mouth and it takes some time to register.

Not great for work.

Hope you feel better. I don't get the flu shot. I don't trust it.

And spinning is so impossible. I did it ONCE and only once. And I do ANYTHING for free shit!

Leauxra said...

Thoughtsy: You know how when you go swimming in a lake, and your friends are in the water and they shout, "Come on in! The water's fine!" Well... that's how I feel about spin class. I could probably get use to it, but I may scream like a little girl first.

StephanieC: Bitch was lucky I didn't clock her, too. I think she was TRYING to hurt me. You are right to distrust in the flu shot, and the medical profession in general.

And I do want to go back to spin... as soon as my awkward blisters heal.