Identify Them Thar Flowers, Kids

I had this brilliant plan.

I am not good at identifying star constellations, pine trees, birds, fishes, insects, rocks... pretty much anything.  But it seems like everyone gets to impress people with some intricate knowledge in the outdoors except for me.  Have you ever been around a person who hears a bird chirp and will tell you that it is the red-bellied meadow thrush or some shit?

Well, I want to be that person.

Picking at random, I want to be able to identify flowers in the mountains.

Bringing the flower identification book is a huge pain in the ass though, because it weighs about as much as  everything else in my pack combined. 

So I came up with this brilliant plan.

Are you ready for this?

OK.  I was going to take pictures of flowers, and then look them up in my handy dandy book later, at my leisure back home, while sipping a beer and feeling smart.  I even went so far as to make a mental note as to where each picture was taken, how big the flowers were, and anything else I could think of that would help me to identify them later.

So here you go.

Flowers.

• Some kind of orchid, maybe?  Does Colorado have orchids?  I think I will name this one, "Attacked by a hoard of screaming mosquitoes so I couldn't sit still long enough to get a good picture" flower.  Screw you.

Yeah, this is going to work

• This flower can survive being submerged in icy snowmelt water for at least part of the day.  Are you a water lily of some kind?

Let's call this a "Marsh Marigold".  I guess.   (Caltha leptosepala)  Maybe. The book does say it blooms close to receding snowbanks and in wet places high in the mountains.  Doesn't say anything about "underwater" though.  This is also known as "Elk's Lip" for some vague and arcane reason.

• Wait, are you the same flower as above in a different color?  Wait, you are different?  Try being more individual next time.

A "Globeflower", (Trollius laxus) it also likes wet places in the mountains.  Duh.

• The most boring flower in the world.

"Heartleaved Bittercress" is in the mustard family, which I guess makes it slightly more interesting because I really like mustard.  (Cardamine cordifolia)  Alpine stream banks and blah blah blah, yup.  That's totally it.

• Scratch the above.  THIS is the most boring flower in the world.

This flower is apparently too boring to exist.  It's not listed.  Therefore, it doesn't exist.  It's like bigfoot, only much, much plainer.

• Actually pretty, although a little small, really.  Try getting bigger next time.

I was going to say this looked like a violet.  It's called a "Blue Violet", which is kind of funny because that's just two color names.  (Viola adunca)  Or some hybrid because they cross breed easily, the little sluts.  Also known as a "shrinking violet" because it is all pretending to be shy.  We know what you're really like, no need to be coy.

• I can fly!  I am also a complete mystery!

Yeah, seriously, no idea.  Maybe it hasn't actually bloomed yet.

• WHAT ARE YOU?  There are only a million billion of you on the side of the hill here, and NOT ONE open bloom?  Not ONE  overachiever?  Well, fuck you, flower.  Fuck you.  I hope you get eaten by a moose.

"Kinnikinnick" maybe?   (Arctostaphylos uva-ursi) The book says it's a "creeper", which totally works in my mind.  This flower is also known as "Bearberry".    THAT'S comforting.  It grows on the coast OR in the high mountains.  Make up your mind already.  Apparently it has a medicinal use of being able to control sexually transmitted diseases.  Who knew?

• Shit, I guess I did take a good picture of this flower later.  What do you know, it IS an orchid.  Did I call it or what?  I am frickin' amazing.

"Calypso", or "Fairy Slipper".   (Calypso bulbosa) Apparently fairies have strange feet.

• EW!  A bug!

This might be a "Heartleaf Arnica" which is the the sunflower family.  Like an idiot, I didn't get a picture of the leaves,  and there are a lot of yellow flowers that look similar to this one.   (Arnica cordifolia)  If I'm right, and I am usually right, right? it lives pretty much everywhere in the west.  I think I'll just call it a "wild sunflowery thingy that flies like".

Yeah, I'm totally an expert.

Maybe I need to get a good map of star constellations next.  Or edible mushrooms.

Also, I keep saying "kinnikinnick".  "Kinnikinnick!"  "Kinnikinnick!"  Kinda fun.  Except now the word is kind of stuck in my head, like a song without a tune.   "Kinnikinnick!"

Stupid kinnikinnick.