Friday, July 22, 2011

How Did I Get to be So Ridiculous?

I was frantically shoving a sandwich into my mouth  after working out the other day, and I almost bit my finger.

And then I bit my tongue.


I tried to keep chewing my peanut butter and jelly sandwich while my eyes teared up.  I kept thinking, "It's OK, it isn't that bad.  The pain will fade," but it kept hurting.

It was like stubbing your toe, but instead of the pain fading, it gets worse and worse.  I unintentionally let out a very zombie like moan from my cubicle before I could stop myself.


My PB&J tasted like blood and strawberries.

It hurt for hours.  I took to sticking out my tongue when I thought no one was looking because it hurt to have my it inside my mouth.  It hurt to eat. It hurt to talk.  It hurt to drink beer.

Boyfriend caught me "resting my tongue out" and laughed at me.  I tried to explain that my tongue hurt too much to keep inside my mouth, but I'm sure I looked really stupid talking with my tongue sticking out like that, so I can't blame him at all for continuing to laugh.

As bad as it was, though, it did heal, and I forgot about it.

A few days later, I was driving to work.

Maybe my tongue was still swollen from the previous mastication accident.

Maybe I was THAT out of practice blowing bubblegum balloons.

Maybe the Extra sugar-free gum I was chewing was just that AMAZING.  Seriously, their apple pie gum is shockingly flavorful.

Maybe I was distracted by the hot air balloon descending from the sky that looked like it was about to land on the roof of the building where I work.

And who the hell gets to buzz around in a hot air balloon on a Wednesday morning?  I am extremely upset about the unfairness of it.  How was I supposed to know that my lifelong dream was to be a hot air balloon pilot?


I was driving along, singing off-key to the radio, and chewing gum.  I was (for once) having a good driving experience, even though I was going to work.

I was in a little town called Hygene. 

I remember thinking that it was too bad that this town was so expensive because I would love to live there.  It's so cute.  I wondered if there was a bar, because that would make it perfect.

And then I bit my tongue.


My voice went from badly singing the refrain from "Little Lion Man" on the radio (filling in the Fuck-word where the radio deleted it out) to howling like a little baby.

I felt something hit my lap with a little thump and bounce away.

"Holy shit, I just bit off my tongue!" I thought as I swerved back and forth across the road, narrowly missing a car coming the other way as I searched for the severed piece.

I would probably speak with a lisp for the rest of my life, and not be able to say the "L" sound anymore.  I wouldn't even be able to say my own name, it would be like, "Wah-rah" or something.  Can hospitals reattach tongues? Shit shit shit shit shit!


My fingers wrapped around the gum on the floor that had fallen out of my mouth.

I stopped at the single intersection in town, pretending to be OK even though my mouth was throbbing.  Pretending seemed to work until I noticed the guy that sells coffee in a nearby parking lot was staring at me.  Probably because I had my tongue dangling limply out of my mouth with a bit of drool dripping off the end.

I gassed the car without looking, and almost ran into an SUV.

They had good reactions, though, and we didn't die.

Images of dismembered bunnies floating through my brain, the taste of blood in my mouth, I pulled into the parking lot at work without further incident.  I concentrated on keeping my tongue inside my mouth.

There are a bunch of prairie dogs and bunnies out in that field.  Those jerks who think they're so special, flying around when other people have to work.  Probably going to get the plague.

The hot air balloon I had seen earlier was descending in the field behind the parking lot, and I stopped to watch it after I got out of my car.  It wasn't pretty anymore.  It was annoying with its bright rainbow pattern.

Damn balloon distracted me.


I flipped it off before turning away, realizing too late that I had also just flipped off the security camera in the parking lot.

P.S. Yes, you're right.  The pictures of the balloon were taken on two separate occasions, because whoever that hot air balloon pilot is, he apparently gets to "ballon" just about every day, the damned showoff.


Julia said...

Good god I wonder how much it costs to buy and insure a hot air balloon... It is essentially a flying car and you could totally get out of having to drive in rush hour traffic this way!!! That guy is a genius!

Leauxra said...

Hah, Julia. Except I think you pretty much have to go where the wind blows in a hot air balloon, so unless you plan to just get out wherever it lands and go to work at random places for the day, I don't think it'll work.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about your tongue! I always bite my tongue in pairs. I'm sure it's because it's swollen and easier to bite the 2nd time.

I'm glad you eat strawberry and not grape jelly on your PB&J. I was worried we might not be able to be friends anymore.

Julia said...

Shit...way to burst my bubble (aka hot air balloon)...and I was gonna get bitchin flames down the side too! Damn!!

Angie said...

I just found myself reading your blog and being all Santa like (laughing and shaking like a bowl full of jelly). This is why I keep my teeth clenched together tight 90% of the time... oh that and because people piss me off.

Does the balloon guy ever offer you a ride? If not, he's an asshole.

Tim said...

I can appreciate the sort of pain that you're talking about. I've bitten into my tongue hard enough to have drawn blood, myself; I was in elementary school, and wound up having my tongue bandaged, which was every bit as awkward as it sounds.

I only did it the one time, though. I found that was more than sufficient to understand how painful it was. I guess you could say that my experience isn't quite as extensive as yours is, but I still feel qualified to recommend that you STOP DOING IT.

Leauxra said...

thoughtsappear: I'm glad you approve of my jelly choice, but I have to admit that I have 5 flavors of jelly in my fridge at a given time. It's just how I roll. And what's funny is that I hadn't bitten my tongue in YEARS until a few months ago when I bit it during a race I was in. Now it seems to happen every couple of months.

Julia: No, no, I like my idea. Just work for the day wherever you land. It will make life more interesting!

Angie: I think gum is dangerous, and should have a government warning. I NEARLY BIT OFF MY TONGUE, and I didn't even know that was a possibility. I should sue (which is kind of like winning the lottery if you are a douche-bag).

And the balloon guy has NOT offered me a ride, but maybe that's because he saw me flipping him off. He must be really sensitive.

Leauxra said...

Tim, THANK YOU for your advice. I wouldn't have thought of not biting my tongue if not for your keen insight. What was I thinking? Now I just feel silly. said...

unless you land in a sewer or a shit plant...I'm WAY to pretty to work hard labour!

The Coffee Snobs said...

My ex Josh is a balloon chaser. I bet you he works for that guy. I could...send some messages.

Leauxra said...

Julia: That COULD be annoying. Also annoying: not knowing what to wear. But I have always wanted to work on a road crew ripping up pavement, and it might be my only chance.

The Coffee Snobs: Dude, BRING ME THE HEAD OF THE BALLOONIST! Er... or have him pick me up from work to fly away. That would be cool, too.

Anonymous said...

It's HoodyHoo, I'm comment-impaired today:

I am known for biting my tongue and/or inside of my cheek badly enough that I should probably seek medical attention -- I mean, that's a LOT of blood, man! But I don't, because it's too embarrassing to go to the ER and say "I bid by tug, peese hep be."

wagthedad said...

Ouch! I do that all the time. Same exact thing: bite tongue, try to ignore it, thinking the pain will go away, it doesn't go away, then a few days later bite the same spot while chewing gum. Never had any experiences where I thought I had actually bitten it off, though I do know a guy who had lasik surgery and then got hit in the eye with a tennis ball and the lens of his eye actually came out. Ouch.

Leauxra said...

Hoodyhoo: That's what I thought about, walking into the ER, clutching my tongue in my hand, and drooling blood down my front while I cried and tried to speak. Very sexy.

wagthedad: I had chocked this whole experience up to a random biting incident, when today, not even eating quickly, I BIT MY FINGER SO HARD I ALMOST PASSED OUT. Yeah, I think the nail is coming off. Awesome.

I didn't realize that I had a deep seeded desire to be a cannibal. (Are you still a cannibal if you eat YOUR OWN body parts?)

Anonymous said...

Holy Mother of Batman, how have I not been reading your blog. I can't stop laughing. Maybe you should take up eating through a straw until your extremities heal up... the zombies are rubbing off on you.

Leauxra said...

I am quite shocked that ANYONE can not read my blog, to be honest. Ha ha.

Welcome (and sorry about the delayed response. Someone dropped a wedding (not mine) in the middle of my life)!