When I am driving:
- Bicycle Riders: Pay attention to where you are going, and do not dart through intersections while drinking a FourLoco and completely ignoring the squealing screaming driver while riding to the liquor store. If you've had one FourLoco, you honestly have no business buying more booze anyway.
- Pedestrians: Please realize that people in cars might have things to do other than wait for your teenage ass to mosey across the damned road half a block from the nearest intersection. Also, don't think I'm not tempted.
- Bicycle Riders: Do NOT outnumber the cars on Highway 7 when I am driving to the Park to go for a hike. I know you've worked hard to be in the awesometacular shape that you're in, but I can't help but feel like you are judging me for driving, and maybe showing off a bit. It's awesome that you are in such good shape, bicyclist. Awesome. You're still not pedaling 45 miles per hour (the speed limit) going uphill. This means you shouldn't try to pass a marginally slower biker on a blind corner. Jerk.
- Pedestrians: The huge "NO PEDESTRIANS ON BRIDGE" sign is there for a reason. Get off the fucking bridge.
- Other cars: No, you already know what you've done.
When I am biking:
|The lake has flooded the trail... which makes riding a bit more interesting. Yeah, I didn't want dry socks.|
- Hey, other bike riders! A little warning if you are going to pass me on the bike trail would be nice! Not just a "On your left" when you are already there that makes me jump out of my skin and swerve into you. This is why God invented the damned bike bell. Use it.
- Pedestrians: When someone is ringing their bike bell like madness and shouting, "ON YOUR LEFT!" and you slowly turn around while standing in such a way that NO ONE could ever pass you while letting your dog whip around you like a yo-yo and using up not only the entire bike path but 5 feet around it pretty much just makes you an ass. Just an FYI.
- Runners: OK, I am trying to not be jealous that you can run almost as fast as my comfortable bike pace, and I get that you are grooving to your tunes and lost in some inner-landscape of joy and cookies, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't look both ways before crossing an intersection.
- Cars: Look, I didn't MEAN to go this way, it's only a few blocks, but there is a dropoff on the side of the road, the white line is crumbling away, there's a hill, railroad tracks, and even a guardrail that you could easily squish me against like a bug. Please, please, consider crossing the double yellow when there are no cars coming the other way so I am not brushed by your side mirrors. It's... disconcerting. I promise not to ride this way again, OK? I'm going to die, aren't I...?
When I am walking or hiking:
- Cars: Did you REALLY just speed up when you saw me start to cross the street?
- Other Hikers: Yo. I think it's wonderful that you took your husband, neighbor, cousin, grandmother, and that guy from work with you for a nice day in the park. It's also wonderful that you all brought your kids. Please realize that I don't consider their shouts and screams endearing, especially when you won't let me pass you. Seriously. Step aside.
- Trail Runners: Maybe I DO want to be like you someday. But when I am wheezing along at 1 mile an hour, I pretty much want to strangle you as you sprint up the trail. I know, it's not you. It's me. It's my fault for not hearing you coming over my labored breathing. Maybe you could consider calling out or something. Also? If I can hear the music playing in your earbuds, it's too loud. Why bother going out into the woods if you are going to drown out all other noises?
- Mountain Bikers: Share the trail does not mean "leave bike tracks down my back after running me over as you cruise down the single track trail going Mach 10.
|Ouzel Falls in Rocky Mountain National Park last week.|
To summarize: If I am walking, I bikes and cars suck. If I am biking, other bikes, cars, and pedestrians suck. When I am driving... yeah. Everyone who isn't me sucks.
These are the rules, kids.