Monday, June 27, 2011

There are RULES People!

So, over the last couple weeks, I not only drove, but I biked, and I walked places.  Between near death and near deadly experiences the entire time, I thought I would share some things I have learned.  Just, you know, maybe keep myself from crossing the line from "caustic sarcastic bitch" to "homicidal maniac".  Maybe.

When I am driving:
  • Bicycle Riders: Pay attention to where you are going, and do not dart through intersections while drinking a FourLoco and completely ignoring the squealing screaming driver while riding to the liquor store.  If you've had one FourLoco, you honestly have no business buying more booze anyway.
  • Pedestrians: Please realize that people in cars might have things to do other than wait for your teenage ass to mosey across the damned road half a block from the nearest intersection. Also, don't think I'm not tempted.
  • Bicycle Riders: Do NOT outnumber the cars on Highway 7 when I am driving to the Park to go for a hike.  I know you've worked hard to be in the awesometacular shape that you're in, but I can't help but feel like you are judging me for driving, and maybe showing off a bit.  It's awesome that you are in such good shape, bicyclist.  Awesome.  You're still not pedaling 45 miles per hour (the speed limit) going uphill.  This means you shouldn't try to pass a marginally slower biker on a blind corner.  Jerk.
  • Pedestrians: The huge "NO PEDESTRIANS ON BRIDGE" sign is there for a reason.  Get off the fucking bridge.
  • Other cars:  No, you already know what you've done.

When I am biking:

The lake has flooded the trail... which makes riding a bit more interesting.  Yeah, I didn't want dry socks.

  • Hey, other bike riders!  A little warning if you are going to pass me on the bike trail would be nice!  Not just a "On your left" when you are already there that makes me jump out of my skin and swerve into you.  This is why God invented the damned bike bell.  Use it.
  • Pedestrians: When someone is ringing their bike bell like madness and shouting, "ON YOUR LEFT!" and you slowly turn around while standing in such a way that NO ONE could ever pass you while letting your dog whip around you like a yo-yo and using up not only the entire bike path but 5 feet around it pretty much just makes you an ass.  Just an FYI.
  • Runners:  OK, I am trying to not be jealous that you can run almost as fast as my comfortable bike pace, and I get that you are grooving to your tunes and lost in some inner-landscape of joy and cookies, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't look both ways before crossing an intersection.
  • Cars:  Look, I didn't MEAN to go this way, it's only a few blocks, but there is a dropoff on the side of the road, the white line is crumbling away, there's a hill, railroad tracks, and even a guardrail that you could easily squish me against like a bug.  Please, please, consider crossing the double yellow when there are no cars coming the other way so I am not brushed by your side mirrors.  It's... disconcerting.  I promise not to ride this way again, OK?  I'm going to die, aren't I...?

When I am walking or hiking:

  • Cars:  Did you REALLY just speed up when you saw me start to cross the street?
  • Other Hikers:  Yo.  I think it's wonderful that you took your husband, neighbor, cousin, grandmother, and that guy from work with you for a nice day in the park.  It's also wonderful that you all brought your kids.  Please realize that I don't consider their shouts and screams endearing, especially when you won't let me pass you.  Seriously.  Step aside.
  • Trail Runners:  Maybe I DO want to be like you someday.  But when I am wheezing along at 1 mile an hour, I pretty much want to strangle you as you sprint up the trail.  I know, it's not you.  It's me.  It's my fault for not hearing you coming over my labored breathing.  Maybe you could consider calling out or something.  Also?  If I can hear the music playing in your earbuds, it's too loud.  Why bother going out into the woods if you are going to drown out all other noises?
  • Mountain Bikers:  Share the trail does not mean "leave bike tracks down my back after running me over as you cruise down the single track trail going Mach 10.
Ouzel Falls in Rocky Mountain National Park last week.

To summarize:  If I am walking, I bikes and cars suck.  If I am biking, other bikes, cars, and pedestrians suck.  When I am driving... yeah.  Everyone who isn't me sucks.

These are the rules, kids.


Timmah said...

Y'know, this all gets a TON easier if you just give up walking and biking.

Leauxra said...

Funny. I thought you were going to say, "Y'know, this all gets a TON easier if you just 'get a shotgun'."

Heather said...

That was hilarious.
So many things I have always wanted to say, but haven't. Yet.
I like the water are more brave than I. I will NOT ride through water for fear of snakes and alligators. I won't through a momma wild pig with her babies either.......

Julia said...

Well I don't fit into any of that advice! Do you have advice for people like me, who sit on the couch eating chocolate and Ice Cream?

:) I think i read from this post something I already knew... People are assholes!!

Leauxra said...

Heather: No snakes here. In fact, the lakes are mostly overblown reservoirs that empty down to a puddle by the end of the summer. OK, wait, I guess there are rattlesnakes, but I don't think they swim. But yeah. Everyone who isn't me better watch out! ha ha ha.

Julia: Oh, you're totally FINE! You aren't in my way or about to run me over. As far as I can tell, that makes you a fine upstanding citizen.

Martinezster said...

LOL, I love the FourLoco reference. Those things are strong and they really shouldn't even be riding a bicycle after that. I learned that the hard way when my bike got into a fight with a trash can with me on it. Not cool. lol.

Although, I am mildly concerned about how exactly you managed to take that pic while riding... through water. Impressive friend!