Friday, June 17, 2011

Gonna Happen, Yo.

I have decided to write a novel.

I know, I know, I shouldn't TALK about it, I should just DO it, right?

But seriously, I can't think of any better career (other than maybe "Famous (and Overpriced) Artist").  Sitting around at home all day... (WORKING FROM HOME), maybe never getting dressed, just hanging out in my underwear all the time... no showers, no fluorescent lighting, no boss, no RULES.  I could seriously be drunk by 10AM EVERY. DAY.

I've been thinking about it for a while.

At first, I was intimidated.  I mean, there are a few good writers out there, you know?  It's hard to be motivated when you're going to be compared with someone like Stephen King or William Shakespeare or something.  And what if I end up some sad old maid living in an attic whose never published in her lifetime and whose fame is postmortem?  What if I go insane?  What if my massive wealth goes to my head and I "sell out"?

I decided I would need some moral support, so last night I told my boyfriend.

Me: "Hey.  I think I'm going to write a novel."

Him:  "Sounds good."

Me: "Tonight."

Him: (looking at his computer) "..."

Me:  "I can totally do it."

Him:  "OK."

Me: "It's going to be about vampires.  Or maybe zombies."

Him: (snickering over something on reddit)

Me: "And it's going to be violent.  Gory even."

Him: "Hmmm."

Me:  "And funny."

Him:  "Huh." (to be fair, I am not sure he was responding to me here, or something on the computer).

Me:  "And I'm going to avoid all those things that annoy me with the serial vampire novelists.  I won't spend three pages describing an outfit.  I mean, who gives a shit?  And I'll have implied sex and I will never have any lines like, 'his pulsing manhood' or anything like that."

Him: "Yeah, annoying."

Me:  "Just action and violence and humor.  I am going to be a millionaire."

Him: "That's good."



So, I will be starting any time now.  I didn't end up writing my novel last night.  I got distracted by dinner, then hanging out, then watching Doctor Who.

I did open Open Office and save a document titled, "Awesome Million Dollar Novel".  And I typed, "The day was..." because everyone starts with the NIGHT was, and I'm different, see?

Yep.

Pretty soon I'll be writing.

As soon as I get done with this post.  And maybe, you know, after work tonight.  If I'm not too busy.

Gonna be awesome.

14 comments:

LeeAnn said...

"...Sitting around at home all day... (WORKING FROM HOME), maybe never getting dressed, just hanging out in my underwear all the time... no showers, no fluorescent lighting, no boss, no RULES. I could seriously be drunk by 10AM EVERY. DAY."

You've just described my job, sans the working from home part. BossMan only THINKS he's my boss. And I let everyone know undies are THE fashion statement this year.
I'm still waiting for my public adulation and massive check, though.
I'll buy your book. Even pay full price. :)

Julia said...

Well Laura (www.fetchmyflyingmonkeys.com) and I are going to do a coffee table book of Dino-sore war. Its not a novel because really I'm NOT one for words... Action is good!! Can you please do a novel only using sign language?? And Wingdings? Pretty Please!!!

Martinezster said...

Who wouldn't love hanging out in your underwear all day, with the option of being able to be drunk by 10AM everyday! ;) Sounds like a pretty awesome job, not going to lie.

Good luck with the novel!

Leauxra said...

All RIGHT LeeAnn. My firstest #1 FAN! Also, I am insane with jealousy at your job description. WHAT do you do for a living?

Julia: I will consider the Windigns thing. I CAN guarantee that there will be illustrations. I am pretty good at drawing and stuff.

Martinezster: I don't quite understand how I have gone this long NOT getting drunk my 10AM every day. Sheesh.

I am considering adding "Wrote this book in her underwear" to the synopsis on the back to see if I get bigger sales. I don't have to tell anyone it's granny panties do I?

Heather said...

I can't wait to read it, but I do hope you will give a second thought to including something about throbbing manhood. I love those parts!

Daniel said...

"sultry." There, I just finished the first sentence of your novel for you.

Leauxra said...

Heather: Maybe I can make a "teacher's edition" where instead of fading out you get to hear IN DETAIL what happened. Just to warn you though? It will probably be pretty funny.

Dan: I'm getting out of here, it's too damned SULTRY in here!

thoughtsappear said...

Let me know when you're book comes out. I'll totally buy it.

For me, starting a novel is easy. It's the middle and end I have a problem with. Anything after 5-10 pages....

Leauxra said...

SuWEET! I have at least 3 people that'll buy it. I guess this means that I should charge $15,000 a piece, and I will be good for at least a year...

w said...

OK, so I just wrote this long comment about what you should write about and then I forgot to hit the captcha and sigh now my words are gone and they were so fricking PROFOUND.

OK, it was all about how I got this psychic zombie vampire woman at work to stop complaining to me (apparently she thinks I'm the only man who's sensitive enough, because I don't grope her when I'm drunk or in the cafeteria). It was all about reverse Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus psychology, in which I tore down her negative psychic energy by firing solutions at her, after which she sought out another woman to bitch to.

Then I followed it up by reassuring everyone that I am not a misogynist; that I love women very much indeed, just not the psycho bitch at work.

Then I realized that I was writing all about me, when in reality it was supposed to be about what you could write about.

I followed up my deleted comment by saying go for it. Goooo wayyy loonggg for it. If you write a blog post nearly every day, it will only take you half a year to get enough words together to make a novel. And the first draft doesn't even have to make sense.

So go for it. Just don't write about wagthedad, ok? Because I might need to do that in the future and there are too many novels out there that have used the ideas I have for novels about two minutes before I come up with the idea.

Leauxra said...

I am totally writing about how a guy gets a a zombie vampire woman at work to stop complaining to him...

Actually, I have been a bit remiss in my blog postings, but I actually did start writing a book. And yes, the goal is 500-1000 words a day. Plus blogging. All of a sudden this seems like work, but in a good way.

Oh, and there will be illustrations.

Sandra said...

Gonna be awesome indeed! But I have to say, as an avid vampire novel reader, I do like explicit sex and the occasional 'throbbing manhood' can't hurt. I know, I know, nobody likes unsolicited advice. I will say this though, go write it! You may be sitting on the next million dollar novel. Then you can make sitting around in your pajamas fashionable.

Caprice said...

Awesome! I'm doing the same thing! I just, right this minute, decided. Actually, I have about 30,000 words worth written already, and I've been ignoring it for months, so I just, this minute, decided to start writing it again. Starting tomorrow. lol

Leauxra said...

Sandra: You aren't the only one that wants some good sex in their novels. But I am going more for slasher flick than sexy-vampire... and every time I try to write a sex scene I start giggling. Maybe it'll be a comedy. A comedy with lots and lots of gore.

Caprice: Yeah, I can't claim 30K words, more like 3K. BUT. I have only been working on it when I am at work, which makes it better in some way.