Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Apparently, Drinking is Bad for You

Look, I am not trying to rain on anyone's parade or anything, but I think drinking might be bad for you.

And I'm not talking about your liver shutting down or operating heavy machinery and losing limbs or thinking that jumping off a bridge into ditch water under the railroad tracks is a good idea or anything.  

OK, maybe all that stuff, too.  But mostly I am talking about things like:

Thinking this looks like food:

They're called "Monkey Balls", and near as I can tell, they are little balls of SPAM, deep fried and covered in an amazingly addictive sweet and sour like sauce.  They can only classify as food in your imagination.

I didn't plan on getting sloshed.

I was going to the Colorado Brewer's Festival for craft beer and liquid joy.

I planned on discreetly sipping on amazing experimental and interesting beers from some of Colorado's most amazing craft breweries.  I planned on talking to the brewers, who were, in fact, present to talk to their adoring and level-headed fans.  I expected to have intelligent conversations with people who get to brew beer for a living.

Instead, I ran into a couple of brewers at various points and the conversations were something like this:

Me:  "Dude!"

Brewer #1: "This is awesome!"

Brewer #2:  "What's your favorite beer?"

Me: "Uh... besides yours?  I would have to say this crazy double Fat Tire with the saison yeast.  The Crabtree Cezanne Saison is pretty good, too.  It tasted like oranges."

Brewer #1: "I'll have to try that."

Brewer #2: "I love doing this for a living.  You know what I'm doing right now?  I'm working."  He held up his taster and grinned.

Me:  "Shit yeah."

You know you're switching from "beer connoisseur" to "frickin' drunk" when you decide you're going to wait in line to use the pink bathroom because it's PINK, yo.  Pink.  And then you find out that bitch FLUSHES and has a SINK inside, and you have to tell EVERYONE YOU MEET about this AMAZING DAMN TECHNOLOGY.  I even took a picture.  So it would last longer.

Funny thing here?  I hate pink.  Also?  It's a port-o-potty.

Ran into another brewer a while later.  This one I actually saw in a bar fight one time, so I was not surprised to see him down a taster of beer and hold out his cup for some more.  Because, dude.  It was his damned booth.

Mostly I was jealous.

You know what else seems like a good idea?  Smoking a cigar when you quit smoking a month and a half ago.  And wearing a cowboy hat and a Hawaiian shirt.  Yes.  I know I picked out my outfit before we started drinking.  Shut up.

After we left the brewfest, we headed to a friend's house to sober up before driving home.

This would have been a good idea if:
  1. We didn't stop at the liquor store on the way there to get more booze and 
  2. We didn't keep drinking heavily.

Somehow, another cigar showed up.  

So now you know.  Drinking can be bad for you and lead to some interesting judgement calls.


Now... where did I set my beer?


Timmah said...

Cowboy hats and Hawaiian shirts DO go together, but not if you wear boots. You HAVE to wear sandals or flip flops to make it click.

And drinking's NOT bad for you. It's sort of like how guns don't kill people. GET AWAY FROM MY BOOZE.

LeeAnn said...

I hardly ever do anything bad whilst drinking. At the time I do it, it's the perfect thing to do. The only problem is when I stop. Therefore, I must continue. See how nicely that works?
Also, I read a good thing to say at times of drinking: My blood has an alcohol deficiency, so I have to take these supplements.
Again, nice.
Btw, I love straw cowboy hats. Had a nice lime green one once but gave it to my kid. *sniffle*

Leauxra said...

I think you both may be right. The problem isn't drinking TOO MUCH. The problem is SOBERING UP.

Also, LeeAnn: I had the MOST AWESOME red had for a while. The really sad thing is that I don't even know what happened to it.

blue said...

I wait all year for those Monkey Balls and I claim they are indeed food. Awesome and some of the best fair food ever.

The Tame Lion said...

Wonderful! That cigar was absolutely wonderful! :)

Julia said...

I can't drink beer unless it is so cold ice chunks are floating in it... but Rum and Diet Coke... I can get down and that is the truth!!

Devour said...

Those meatballs look yummy ! (No homo) haha

Leauxra said...

OK, fine, the monkeyballs are awesome, I have to admit it.