A Writer Writes...

Today is an important event.

Today is my 100th post.  Which is like an anniversary, but better.  It is a milestone based on content rather than age.  Which is awesome because if I added up my content rather than my time on this here planet, I am much more youthful.

I don't usually write about my blog because it breaks the first rule of blogging ("Do NOT talk about your blog"), but I thought I would take a moment to actually talk about the blog.  I am breaking the rules!

The second rule of blogging is... DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR BLOG.  I know it's the same as the first rule, but in all capital letters, but seriously.  It's important. And I am still breaking the rules.

The third rule of blogging is,  "Do not apologize for not writing enough."  I assume you know I am wracked with guilt for not keeping in touch, for posting every week or two, for not keeping up as much with my usual bloggy friends, for basically being an asshole.  Sorry.

The fourth rule of blogging is, "Do not make excuses for not blogging, or keeping up with your blogging friends."  Why?  Because no one wants to hear that you went on a new diet and its taking all your time, that you're working on your book, that you're depressed, happy, anxious, that you lost your toe in a cheese shredding incident, that you were locked in a safe for three weeks, that you're a jerk, that your cat is keeping you from sleeping, that it's "that time of the month", that your hair is annoying you, that you have decided to run away and become a mountain man, that you have decided you can't be a real mountain man because you can't grow a beard, that you're thinking about being a bank robber, but never will because you're horrible at lying and would tell the first person who asked you if you robbed a bank that yes, you did rob that bank, or that you're so embarassed about not blogging that you keep putting off blogging and then it gets worse and worse until your head is going to explode and maybe you should just never blog again because it will only lead to dissapointment and failure.  No one wants to hear all that.  They want you to tell them a story and/or make them laugh.

For example, about two weeks ago, I went on this awesome hike the day after it snowed.  It was muddy and messy and beautiful, and the sky was so clear it looked fake, and I kept wishing they would leave the sky it's natural color instead of photoshopping everything, and I didn't hurt myself.

Out near Lyons, CO.

I got home, and went to the bathroom (yeah, we know where this is going, don't we?).  There was this puddle of water on the floor and I was wearing only socks, so I took a big step over it and my foot slid a little and I pulled a muscle in my butt.

Let me reiterate:  I pulled a muscle in my ass in the bathroom.  Yeah.  Just let that sink in a little.

At first I thought it was no big deal, until I realized I couldn't go up stairs, or get from a sitting position on the floor to a standing position without pulling myself up the walls with my arms (much to the amusement of the cats who dig watching their humans act like idiots).  This was serious.

I looked up on the internet how to treat a pulled muscle, and it said to use RICE (that's Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation), and all I could think was that I am NOT icing my ass, and if I elevate it at work, I am going to look like a harassment suit waiting to happen, so I ended up doing nothing and it healed anyway.

I would have written about this sooner, but I started editing my book (!), and have been watching Supernatural on Netflix like it's going out of style.

Yes, that pile of paper in a binding.  That's.  My book.  Right.  There.  150 pages of... crap, I need to cross out that page.  And that one.  And rework that bit... HOLY CRAP.  THAT'S!  MY BOOK!  Right.  There.

The fifth rule of blogging is "No shirts, no shoes".

Wait, what?

The sixth rule of blogging is, "If this is your first time at my blog, you have to comment" unless you are one of those Russian casino sites or a penis enlargement blog comment SPAMmer,because if you are you need to stop comment on my motherfucking blog! I am not interested in making my penis bigger, thankyouverymuch.

OK.  So.  100th post.  Yay.

P.S.  If you're wondering, I haven't been bitten in two weeks.  I did NOT burn down the house, but the mysterious creatures that were eating me seem to have moved out, so yay.  I am convinced that it was, in fact, snow spiders.

P.P.S.  You can thank Misty for guilting me into finally finishing this piece so I can write the piece that she's prompted me to write with her awesomeness.