Thursday, March 1, 2012

Boobs

Being all disdainful of meta-posts and talking about my blog, and things that are cliché, and being a big follower of my RULES, I thought if anyone tagged me in one of those little taggy blog posty thingys, I would politely thank them and then tell them that I don't "do" these things.

And then something awesome happened to me.

I got this:





And it made me feel awesome.

Fuck the rules.

I would like to thank all the little people... and give a huge shout out to Misty of Misty's Laws who tagged me.  She is some kind of funny, too, so if you don't read her blog, you should.   Go now.  The read the whole thing.  I'll wait...

Done?  OK.


How this works is that I tell y'all three things you may not know about me, and I tag three other bloggers that I would like to know more about.  Seems simple enough.

Three blogs you should be reading and that I want to know more about:


  1. Stephanie C of Seriously??...Reeeally?... Seriously?:   If you don't read this blog, I don't even know what to say.  This is the only bloggy friend I have who can also hurt herself several times a day on stupid things JUST LIKE I DO, plus she has a Great Dane, and I freaking LOVE those dogs.
  2. Stephanie of Clay Baboons.  She seriously hit the nail on the head with this new blog, and her illustrations via clay are phenomenal.  She is going to be big.  You should totally be friends with her before she's too famous to notice you.
  3. Hoodyhoo of... hoodyhoo.  Of course you read Ms. Hoo.  Who doesn't read her?  I heard a rumor that she's back around after kicking the shit out of some of her internal organs.  Yay!



Three Things You May Not Know About Me:

  1. I have a sinking suspision that my brain doesn't work right because I never learned how to crawl on my own. For real, this is a true story.  I did not learn how to crawl like a normal baby.  Instead, I developed what my mom calls a "schootch", where I would sort of slither/army crawl like a strange lizard hybrid changeling baby. 

    Thinking this wasn't right, Mom asked the baby doctor what to do, and he suggested having my older brother get down on the floor and teach me to crawl. The advice was followed, but I decided not to crawl anyway and got up and started walking almost immediately.

    Basically, I walked before I crawled, and this is why it's hard for me to learn new things. 

    That, and my first word was, "No!" ...for about 6 months.

    I was born contrary.

    I don't think it should come as any surprise that I don't have any children because I fear they would be like me.
  2. I am not actually a nerd, or even a geek. I am just a huge dork.
    These things are defined, people.

    A nerd is a person who is really smart, and knows a lot about stuff, usually about a lot of stuff.  They are like a geek, but with an additional skill that allows them to learn about real things like science and history.

    A geek is like a nerd, but they keep their knowledge base to the realm of fiction.  They can tell you every single piece of trivia about Star Wars, Star Trek, The Lord of the Rings, the Dune series, etc, etc, etc.  A geek can also get into a fist fight about the finer interpretation of rules in Dungeons and Dragons, second edition.

    I am neither of these things.

    I am a dork.

    I am a person who hangs out with people who are smarter than me because I want to be a geek or a nerd, but I have no patience whatsoever for learning new things.  So I know a little bit about a lot of nerdy and geeky things, but not enough to actually gain geek cred.

    Basically, I am a failed nerd.
  3. I am afraid of strapless dresses. (This is the boobs part of the post).
    Over NewYear's, I went to a fancy dress party. This is unusual for me because my normal New Year's Eve party consists of sitting around drinking beer and watching TV with the parents, and maybe pulling a cracker or two at midnight.

    But this year was different.  This year, my sister got me and my boyfriend a package deal to head down to the big city (Denver) to a fancy dancy hotel for a Roaring 20's Flappers and Gangsters party.

    It fucking rocked.

    Anyhoo, before the party, I had time to scour the internet to find the most fabulous but not too expensive and certainly not a Halloween costume dress that would make 5'8" curvy me look like a flapper.

    And I found it.

    This is NOT me.  My hair is much cuter than that.  IMAGE SOURCE: UNIQUE VINTAGE.  If you haven't been there, you should go.  They are awesome.

    It was, however, a little bit low cut, and even though it had cute little beaded spaghetti straps on it, I was constantly and hopefully nonchalantly checking out my chest to make sure nothing had slipped out.

    Although I DID manage to make a T-Rex face at the camera, of which I am proud.

    This is because I have a strapless dress phobia.

    I am not what one would call "well endowed". In fact, me gaining 40lbs over the last two years has given me something I have never in my life had before, which is boobs.  Don't get me wrong, I am shaped like a girl... I have just never been someone who actually needs a sports bra or an underwire.

    For most of my life, I avoided strapless dresses.  Having never worn one, I just assumed they hung off a girl's boobs, and since I didn't have big hangers out front, I figured the strapless dress was not for me.

    This makes the root cause of my fear somewhat baffling.

    I was going out with friends to New Orleans on night, wearing this cute little green and white strapless dress.  It had a vintage pattern, and was a bit shorter than I was use to, but with my platform heeled boots, I felt like a million bucks.  Or at least $200 an hour.  Really, I have no idea what look I was going for, other than "hawt".

    We were headed to a place called the Hookah Cafe.

    Being a not-terribly-girly-girl most of the time, I didn't have a clutch purse or anything like that, but a big canvas army-surplus map case that I used as a purse slung diagonal over my head and shoulder, and pushed behind me.

    I concentrated on not falling down in my awesome if slightly ridiculous boots, but still ended up in the front of the group as we walked into the resturaunt.

    It was warm and soft outside, so the air conditioning inside gave me goose-bumps.

    The host walked up, "Can I... ah... can I help you?"

    I smiled (remember, I looked like at least $200 an hour), and said in a flirty voice, "Chilly in here!"

    He didn't respond, his smile wilting a little.

    "Ah," I said, wondering if my lipstick was on my teeth or something and unsmiled my face, "Table for seven."

    The host scooped up some menus and walked us through the smoky room, not glancing back at me once.  I tried to walk confident, but I was starting to get nervous.  Were all those people looking at me because we were walking?  Because I looked good?  Because my boots made me look like a six foot-three drag queen?  What?  What was it?

    I sat down at the table, making sure my skirt wasn't hiked up or stuck in my panties or anything, and moved to take off my bag.

    And that's when I noticed.

    That my boob was completely free of the strapless dress, which had rolled on one side halfway down my rib cage.

    It must have caught on my purse when I put it on.  Back at my house.  Six blocks away.



    Bit chilly in here, don't you think?

28 comments:

Keith said...

Boobs are so much fun for all involved. I have a rant about boobs and the MPAA and Americans that is burbling within. If I was at a real keyboard, and didn't have to pack up and leave paradise later today, I'd probably let it all out, not just one of them like you. Can you just imagine how the other, covered up boob felt, what with it's twin getting all the attention?

Leauxra said...

Keith: Most people like boob stories, men and women. You should tell your story when you get back!

Tim said...

So, this restaurant in New Orleans? I'm guessing you probably got pretty good service, yeah?

Leauxra said...

Tim: Ironically enough, no. Not really. Of course, that was normal for the place, and they closed down within a few months.

Tim said...

Astonishing.

I'd have at least given you some beads.

Angie said...

Thanks for sharing new sites!

1. My daughter rolled everywhere until she was 14 months old. Then one day she got up and walked. She still doesn't crawl. She's almost 19 now so that's good right!?

2. You just mocked me for not being a nerd the other day over Nathan Fillion! WTH!?

3. One boob free is worth like 20 strands of beads. You should go back and try again!

Leauxra said...

Tim: Honestly, beads weren't much of a draw if you lived there. I probably had about 9,000 tons of them by the time I moved, and didn't flash a tit ONCE to get them.

Angie: Hey! Apparently my brother rolled around, too! He broke his leg as a baby falling off a bed or being thrown from a moving car (safety things weren't the same back then, I don't know what the story was). And HE'S normal (ish) too. I would LIKE to blame a developmental disability for my lack of success, though.

And yes. I am a hypocrite.

karensomethingorother said...

oh my GOD! My jaw dropped! Oh the sympathy! Yeah, I know that mortification. It's akin to when that little bastard at the water park/hell resort blasted my bathing suit off my hoot with the obnoxious water device.

Loved your break-down of geek/nerd/dork.

Red said...

I have always had that fear of strapless dresses. Boobs totally do NOT help - they create more gravity to pull the dress down! However, I have worn them in the past.

By your definitions, I am a little bit nerd and a little bit geek. Also interesting, a "geek" is officially someone who bites the heads off chickens.

erica said...

I once hugged the bride at the wedding and my strapless dress must have came down somewhere in the hug. I didn't notice it and continued outside to blow bubbles at the happy couple. After I had been joyously blowing bubbles, my friend pointed out that my breasts, both of them, were out of my dress. It was all captured forever on the wedding video also. I feel your pain. However, this didn't stop me from wearing a tube top to a end of the year law school party where I suddenly became the most popular girl there. Not until I got home, did my roommate point out that I was showing some nippage. Apparently, this is why everyone wanted to talk to me. Awesome.

Itsacoyote said...

Were you shuffling like this?

Leauxra said...

karensomethingorother: Yeah, like that.... ah... WHAT? Did the dude SURVIVE this?

Red: Yeah, I've been told that people use TAPE to keep the darn things up. Yeah. I don't know. If you have to tape on your clothes, there may be a design problem.

And I have a friend that owns chickens... maybe I can squeak in on a technicality.

erica: Holy crap that is awesome... I mean terrible, I mean. I don't know what to say. Please don't be mad at me for laughing. At least I wasn't recorded. Probably.

Itsacoyote: No. Uh. Ick. Crap. MY EYES.

That video is going to haunt this girl for LIFE, isn't it?

Stephanie said...

I like your break-down of nerd/geek/dork. If you wanted to move up a level, you could make a triple venn diagram comparing the 3!

And this is why I will never wear strapless dresses. Ack, I am squirming in empathetic embarrassment.

Also, thanks for the shout-out, friend! It's like Christmas...an award AND lots of posts from you in one week! I'm being spoiled...

hoodyhoo said...

If I worried about all the times I've inadvertently flashed people due to my extreme lack of understanding how girl-clothes work, I'd be in even more therapy!

hoodyhoo said...

Oh, and thanks for the tag -- getcha on Monday!

Misty said...

Hee! 2 posts in one week. Damn, girl. You on a roll!

That is a hysterical story. I will not wear strapless anything. Then again, I have old boobs, so the top could probably fall a couple FEET and still not uncover those puppies. But they definitely wouldn't hold the dress up. My wedding dress was strapless. But I had all kinds of technical engineering going on, not only in the dress itself, but underneath, to hold everything in place. There was no breathing, so there definitely wasn't gonna be any boob poppage.

At least noone was taking pictures? If only I had been there . . . :D

Leauxra said...

Stephanie: You're right. I'll get right on that diagram... oh the possibilites are endless.

hoodyhoo: I don't understand how girl clothes work, either. Seriously. When I go for sexy I end up looking like I belong on People of Walmart.

Misty: See? Told you I had stuff lined up. There are two more I am finishing up to go out.

And I can only hope no one took pictures. I refused to look around or make eye contact or basically move again after that.

Leauxra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tom G. said...

This is hilarious. As a guy, I can not even imagine. The worst thing that we had to deal with was our um..."tenting" in social studies class when Nancy "Hot Pink Panty" Smith sat across from us and crossed her legs. Even then, it wasn't anything that a well placed textbook, and walking like Quasimodo couldn't hide.

Jen said...

Oh my God this was hiLARious! Thank you for making my shitty day a little brighter. :)

Leauxra said...

Tom G: Nancy "Hot Pink Panty" Smith knew EXACTLY what she was doing, if you're wondering. Girls are evil.

Jen: I am a font of embarrassing moments and accidental self-harm. I like to think I am the universe's way of letting everyone around me know that it could be worse.

Hey, it's Friday! It's almost over!

StephanieC said...

That sucks about the boobage exposure. And you know, I feel your pain figuratively/literally because I've exposed my junk inadvertently.

Thanks for the lovely shout out. I don't believe anyone has popped over, but I appreciate the love.

Love your hair at the NYE party. Dress looks supercute, too.

And I duct taped my boobs in my wedding dress.

Leauxra said...

StephanieC: Well, crap. Why don't people ever do what I say? But you totally should have gotten one hit from me making sure the link worked.

*hangs head in shame*

And duct tape is BRILLIANT. Maybe I'll just make a whole dress out of duct tape. WILL NOT SLIDE AROUND OR RIDE UP. Or allow breathing.

Leauxra said...

Oh yeah... pin curls and finger waves. I made an effort (for once) on the hair. I also had fake eyelashes with BLING on them.

StephanieC said...

Yes - between the lacing and the duct tape, trying to sing at the reception was damn near impossible. I damn near fainted.

but yes, there would be NO SLIPPAGE with duct tape.

Super sexy bonus points? Having your new husband listen to your screams as you remove said tape from your nipples.

SEXAY!

Leauxra said...

Well, I DID wear some adhesive boobs one time. It was supposed to be a strapless, backless bra". What it was was two boom shaped stickers.

Not as bad as duct tape, but damn. There was some whimpering and cussing that night.

It was actually at a wedding. Hmm. What is it with weddings and boob adhesives?

Love said...

Ok, so I love this post. You were ahead of your time with the walking first thing. Also, awesome that your first word was "No." According to my family mine was, "Balls." "No," is WAY better than "Balls."

Also, about the boob thing, I too have a phobia of strapless. I have found, however, that if the top is something of a modern corset, and adjustable, that it ROCKS and will NOT fall down even if you pull on it. True.

I have also never been able to wear "softer," strapless things with less structure, because my girls pull that shit down. Also, because there is NO strapless bra that will stay on to keep up the strapless dress. I wore one once to a school dance (remember the post I had about the dude I asked out? Yeah, that one. Apparently redheads aren't supposed to wear red... I didn't know that... ) anyway, the bra slid down first as I was dancing (admittedly jumping, but then, I too, am a dork) and then the dress itself began to migrate, chasing said bra. Luckily, I had a friend who notices such things, and she hauled my butt to the bathroom before the nipples made an appearance. Close one.

Leauxra said...

Love: HA. I tried the corset thing once. At a store that sold corsets. Could not get my boobs to stay in. At ALL. I think they just want to be free. Maybe I should move to Boulder...?