Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Corn Dog and Fried Twinkie Diet

"Let's stay in tonight," Boyfriend said.

"OK," I replied, "That sounds nice."

About five seconds later, I got a text message from Boyfriend's Sister, "I'm bored," she wrote, "Want to go to the fair with me?"

"Um," I said to boyfriend.  "Maybe instead of staying in, we should go to the fair."

Boyfriend: "..."

Me: "It might be fun to take pictures and stuff."

Boyfriend: "..."

Me: "You don't have to go, but suddenly this seems like the BEST IDEA EVER."

Boyfriend "..."

Me: "Come on, come with me, it will be FUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN."

Boyfriend (blinking): "Um."

Me:  "YAY!  We'll just go for an hour or something.  It's going to be AWESOME!"


How could anyone ever regret this?

We got there just as the sun was going down, so it seemed clean and well kept.

We wandered around waiting for Boyfriend's Sister, ending up in one of the 4H halls at the south end.  Or maybe it was the north end.  I can't tell directions.

Anyway.

As we walked, we passed by the "food" stalls.

I mean, this is like a land of awesome and funnelcakes.

 "OH MY GOD!  THEY FRY CANDY BARS!"  I squeaked.  I may have been a little overstimulated from all the flashing lights.

"Huh," said Boyfiend, "Good thing they use cholesterol free oil."

"Well," I said, "They should have options for people who are health-concious."

I'm glad they fry their Snickers Bars in Cholesterol Free Oil.  I would hate for this shit to be bad for me.

"I want cotton candy," I said.  "And maybe a corn dog."

"You know, a corn dog sounds pretty good."

We didn't buy anything, but wandered around, looking at quilts and crafty things until Boyfriend's Sister showed.

When she did, instead of "Hello," I said, "I want a fried Twinkie."

Apparently, the Fried Twinkies were not fried in Cholesterol Free oil (sad face).


We decided to split one, because none of us knew exactly what to expect.

The carnie... or whatever he was, he seemed awefully well kept to be a carnie.  Maybe he was actually serial killer, or an alien.

He looked like he was about 70 and was delighted to take my order.  It was a little scary, especially when contrasted with the monotone blank 20-something girl working behind the counter with him.  Maybe he was a vampire and she was his "thrall" or whatever.

The carnie picked up a Twinkie in his gloved hand and skewered it with a strange efficiency.  He then carefully  and artistically dipped it in batter.  He twirled it on the end of the stick like some kind of magician to cover the whole thing evenly, and then dunked it in the fry vat.

A minute later, he pulled it out and dashed it with powederd sugar before handing it to me.

Breaded, fried, and covered with powdered sugar, this fried Twinkie was my first, but it certaily will not be my last.  How did I survive so long without it? 

FUN FACT:  The gooey center of a Twinkie will get even hotter than a Hot Pocket.  Seriously.  How the shit does that not burn a hole through the bedrock and cause a volcano?

Once we were done eating, approximately 3.2 seconds later, we walked through the area with the animals and I fell in love with a goat.


I really really really really really want a pet narcoleptic goat.  SO CUTE.  I wanted to cuddle it and say, "I'm sorry that you have somehow developed such an inability to deal with stress that you faint when you are scared.  That totally sucks, and that is a total bullshit evolution.  You may have just proved that evolution is crap and God has a sense of humor."
Me: "Boyfriend, I want a goat."

Boyfriend: "I thought you wanted an octopus."

Me: "I still do. And a dog. And chickens."

Boyfriend: "OK."

Me: "You could get a llama."

Boyfriend's Sister was unsurprised by our conversaion, or else she just ignored us to pet the cute little market lambs.

We forgot to go back and get corn dogs.



Side note: I think I just figured out why I am not losing weight even though I work out at least four times a week.  It has nothing to do with fried Twinkies or corn dogs.  It can't.  That would be an amazing injustice.  No no no.  It's a government conspiracy to keep Americans fat.  It has nothing to do with my lack of won't power.





14 comments:

Stephanie said...

It's definitely a conspiracy. I think there's something being sprayed in the air.

Tim said...

I concur: government conspiracy all the way. If we're fat and lazy and entertained, we can't rebel.

Also, I think you need an octogoat. What could be more adorable than a gene-spliced goat/octopus monstrosity?

blue said...

I found somewhere that sells donkeys today. IT WAS the BEST IDEA Ever. I did not however buy one.

Leauxra said...

Stephanie: Knowing the truth is the first step.

Tim: Now I want an octo-goat. SO. BAD.

Blue: Donkey? I want a GOAT, you silly. Wait. Were they BABY donkeys?

Angie said...

Oh honey, I've been dying to get my hands on a fried twinkie, snickers, or oreo for like a year now but I'm too lazy to go to the fair! I need to locate one of these or learn to make them at home. Thanks for the incentive and the extra 20 lbs I am sure to gain!

HoodyHoo said...

Lordy, when I first read that sign I thought it said "Fried Twinkies and SUSHI" -- which should definitely not be served together!

Leauxra said...

Angie: It's everything I would hope for and more, and there is no way in hell that I want to do this at home. I would end up as big as a house. But worth every bite.

Hoodyhoo: Are you saying that you wouldn't eat fair-sushi? Too high-faluten for it? Ha ha ha.

thoughtsappear said...

Was is it with having to twist a boyfriend's arm to go to the fair?

Fried Twinkies are delicious. I need to try a fried Snickers...soon. My fair is next week, so I think I can make it that long.

Leauxra said...

Thoughtsy: Not sure, but we had been out every night for a while, and we were both tired of people. The real question I had was, "Why did I want to go so bad?" Turns out by subconcious wanted a fried Twinkie.

There's an English Pub nearby where I live that has fried Mars Bars on the menu. How awesome is that?

mistyslaws said...

I really want to try a fried twinkie. My last chance will be at the same fair Thoughtsy referenced above. I will make this happen!

I just went to my state fair last week and saw they had fried oreos. My goal in life (or at least that night) was to get one. Alas, this did not come to be. I posted about it here:

http://mistyslaws.wordpress.com/2011/09/09/its-just-not-fair/

Leauxra said...

mistylaws: Fried OREOS??? That sounds too awesome for words. I expect a complete report when you get back from the fair with Thoughtsy.

PudMonkey said...

They serve friend oreos at a lot of the sushi restaurants around here. When I first heard about it, I was fairly skeptical, as I am an oreo purist. I don't even like the double-stuffed ones. It's pretty crazy. They fry them up in batter and serve them with whipped cream and a cherry on top! Not the awesomeness I'm used to from the magic oreo, but still quite magical in its own way.

PudMonkey said...

Also, I've been trying to convince James we need a pet goat for a while now. I think I had a much better chance back when Isaac was only able to drink goat's milk. That shit is EXPENSIVE. It would have worked out a lot better just to have a pet goat. But now that he's over his little allergy thing, alas, I fear we are not to have a pet goat. :(

Leauxra said...

I would be skeptical, too. Unless you are dipping your fried oreos in goat milk, maybe...

And tell James that goats also make good pack animals, and it can carry your crap when you go hiking. And they are totally cute.