Thursday, March 10, 2011

Combat Crochet

I am not the most graceful of human beings. 

Case and point:

I decided to crochet a balaclava.

The finished piece and matching mitts that I did a year or two ago.

I am not some expert crocheter that can whip out an afghan in and hour or a scarf in 20 minutes.  I can't read crochet instructions.  At.  All.  It is like trying to read tax code or legalese, or some of the emails I receive from clients that don't actually speak English but use Google translate.  It looks like I should be able to read them, they use the Latin alphabet.... but there is no meaning whatsoever, and if I try too hard my brain explodes.

But I know one stitch.  Sort of.  I'm not even sure if it's an official crochet stitch.  But I can add and remove stitches on the fly, and make really neato things like hats and gauntlets and scarves.  Most of what I make is a "snowflake".  Un-repeatable.  Completely unique.

Yeah.  Balaclava.  It seemed like a good idea.  I mean, seriously, what could go wrong?  If it was too hideous, I could just pull out the stitches and do something else.  And if it worked, I would have an awesome balaclava for my winter sports.

If you don't know, a balaclava is like a hat, but really long, so you can pull it down to cover your face.  Usually, you leave eye holes, otherwise I think it's just a sack.  Think "terrorist in a bad 80's movie", and that's it.

Me doing my best "80's terrorist B Movie" impression.

I decided to just leave a big hole for the eyes so I could put a baseball cap underneath for a brim, and pull my face out all the way for eating and drinking, and I left a hole in the back for my pony-tail.

Pony tail hole.

Since I don't usually set aside time to crochet, I carried the thing around with me, and would work on it after dinner when everyone was hanging out talking,  or while watching TV.

I was working working working.  The thing was coming together really fast.  I realized that I was going to have to take it in a little along the bottom, so it would fit snug across my face.  I assumed my stitch would be stretchy enough to compensate for the narrowing.

I kept testing it.  I would stitch a few rows, stop, pull it over my head, then take it off again and keep going.  I noticed it was getting a little tight, so I stopped reducing the stitches, and did a few more rows, and tried it on again.

Somehow.... I managed to punch myself in the face while trying it on. 

Seriously.  Right in the nose.

I blinked through the stars and tears in my eyes, and squeezed the thing on to show everyone. "See?" I said, "Isn't it awesome?"  I was pretty impressed I could talk without a voice quaver.

Maybe if I wear sunglasses, no one will see me cry.

I don't know what they thought.  I couldn't hear them over the blood rushing to my ears as I worked through the pain.  The weight of the material on my nose was ridiculous.  I pulled the thing off again and kept working, thinking that my nose thing would be like a stubbed toe and the pain would fade out.

It wasn't.

Three days later, it still hurt to touch.  It was like I had been in a bar fight, only without drinking and no bruise.  And no jail time.

I think I may have broken my nose crocheting.  How many people can say that?

OK, I guess I was exaggerating.  It wasn't actually broken.


Anonymous said...

Well, I poked myself in the eye with a pillow once. That made me feel mighty stupid. Don't feel bad, you aren't the only one with retarded arms that punch.

Victoria Lennon said...

Epic. I have just finished crocheting a grim reaper.

Leauxra said...

Punched eye... pillow. Um. You win?


PudMonkey said...

I love the pony-tail hole!!! What a genius idea!!! I got it into my head to crochet scarves for everyone for Christmas one year. I finished two--gave one to Ilsa and the other was meant for Jessi, but I needed a scarf one day before I could get it in the mail, and it was the only one around. Suffice to say, it still hasn't made it into the mail. I also started one for Tori that I have now moved eight times. I keep thinking I'll actually finish it one day. Who knows? It might happen.

Anonymous said...

The pony-tail hole is THE fashion statement of the New Millenium! And I once scratched my cornea on the sheets on my cruise ship bed, so right there with ya.

Leauxra said...

More big retailers should have built in pony-tail holes. I might be on to something...