Friday, June 18, 2010

Why do Bugs Keep Going into My Mouth?!?!?

Dear Insects,

I know that you guys outweigh the rest of the non-plant life-forms on this planet by like a billion bazillion times. I understand that you are an integral part of the food chain, that you break down rotten shit, that you provide all kinds of goods and services to the environment, and that we all benefit in some way from your very existence. Good for you.

That said, I would like to ask you please please pretty please, stop flying into my mouth!

It's one thing when you bite, sting, and bug the shit out of me. That's in your nature, I get it. You can't help being the brainless annoyances you are. A little repellent, and we can both go on our happy ways. You stop thinking I am food or a good place to hang out, and I stop squishing you messily.

The problem occurs when you cross the line of basic decency.

Just because I am out of breath, and panting through my mouth, does not mean that the warm moist confines of my mouth is an OK spot to hang.

I'm just sayin'.

I can't help it if I am cruising along on my bicycle and one of you flies straight down my throat. You have to be on the lookout, too.

Help me to help you, insects, and I promise not to create a macabre collection of you all to hang on my wall.


P.S. This includes you, too, butterflies. Being pretty doesn't excuse you from taking responsibility for your actions.

P.P.S. I am pretty sure you are all aliens, or possibly vectors for the zombie uprising, so I would really rather not hear from you again. Ever.


Steve the Mosquito said...

You swallowed my aunt Vera.

You know how that FEELS? You know what it's like to lose a loved one like that? EATEN by a giant squishapod (that's what we call you)? You don't even have the decency to grow a proper exoskeleton! I mean, HAIR? What the fuck is THAT shit about? And now you put the onus on us for when YOU SWALLOW US?



Leauxra said...

Seriously? She was kinda delicious and filled with protein.

Anonymous said...

You make me laugh, you made my day so much better, keep it up my love! Don't let the company suck it out of you!