Friday, June 4, 2010

Cloudy and Warm, with a Chance for Zombies

Today, I was thinking about zombies.

There are many other, possibly more productive uses for my finite brainpower. I could be thinking about getting a new dipstick for my car, or figuring out what that wire was that got yanked out by a fan a couple weeks back. I could be exercising in some way. I could be working on my comic book. I could be reading a book, or catching up on Buffy episodes from over a decade ago. I could even be thinking about doing some work because, you know, I am at work.

But no.

Today, zombies are on my mind.

I wasn't even thinking about what to do in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse. No survival techniques or anything. I was thinking, instead, about the physical presence of zombies at the workplace.

There is a lot of rhetoric out there about the causes of zombies, from the humorous to the grotesque. Evil corporations, 2012, a mutated rabies virus, blah, blah, blah. I even saw an article today trying to convince me that the iPad may be the cause.

But I know what will spark the zombie uprising.

Conference calls.

I think I was close to "the change" myself earlier today.

My call ran over a few minutes, I had to pee, I was sleepy, I was hungry. I had zoned out thinking about food. I completely "grayed out" for a while. No idea where I was. I wasn't asleep. But I wasn't awake. Then there was a passage of time. I blinked and came back, with no memory of the previous few minutes. I just felt groggy, and had drooled on my desk a little.

Usually lost time makes me think of aliens. As much as I may want to believe, though, I don't think I was abducted during a conference call in the middle of a fortress like corporate building and then returned to my desk 8 minutes later.

I think... I think I nearly became a zombie.

Now I know that this might sound a little drastic. But let me tell you the whole story before you click away in hopes of reading someone less crazy.

I became convinced that my employer has been experimenting on us fairly recently. I mean, sure, there are zombies in lock down back in the humidity controlled area, and parts of the building are completely sealed off. If you listen closely, you can hear the groaning and shuffling in the "empty spaces". I once had to battle a zombie engineer during my lunch break, which was exciting and all that, but I didn't have time to get my cafeteria food.

But I think zombies are pretty common in the corporate environment, especially among management.

Anyway, it didn't click that my job might actually be the CAUSE of the zombies, rather than just a symptom of consumerist America.

There are a couple of things you should probably know about my work:

We work in a closed environment. The air is recirculated, and a low level subsonic wave is broadcast building-wide to "dampen" the noise. Our building is very close to a large PharmCom.

Also, none of the super higher up executive staff are in this location.

My next circumstantial proof is that everyone here seems to be getting more and more tired as the week goes on. Sure, there will be a few people who stay up late drinking beer and partying, but most people, I think, go to bed at a reasonable hour, and get up functioning properly.

I believe they upped the dosage of whatever drug they are putting in the vents that keeps us docile.

They are making us into zombies.

This is actually a rather brilliant strategy in a growing job market. By making all of us zombies, they not only nip a mass exodus of disgruntled, underpaid employees in the bud, but they can cancel health insurance benefits, and retirement. ZOMBIES DON'T GO ON MATERNITY LEAVE!

Anyway, that was my Friday.

Oh, and I did work.

A little.

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