Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Zombies are Coming

I am totally having a work crisis.

Between being completely overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do, being somewhat bored with the actual work I am doing, and fighting the zombie uprising, I have been completely wiped by the time I get home.

What this means in real terms is that my personal life is suffering. I don't have the energy to paint, to draw, to work on my five-gazillion projects, to run as much as I should, or hike as much as I would like. I have decided that in order to combat this sad state of affairs, I would start a blog. There is definitely something to be said for quantity when quality is lacking.

As I sat down to write, I realized that part of the problem is that it feels like work is all I have to write about, unless I want to talk about my friends and loved ones in disparaging ways in order to get a laugh (this has not been the best policy in the past, as my friends and loved ones stop wanting to hang out with me when I do this, and I end up having to write about work again, or even worse, myself). So I am left with “the Job”.

Let me start by saying it is a job. This is not my career. I am not in love with my job, but I don't absolutely hate it beyond reason. It is also notable that at two and a half years, this is the longest time I have ever held on to any job.

In order to prepare myself for my future blog-writing, I wrote down a list of my daily tasks:

1) Get out of bed at the butt-crack of dawn.

2) Commute.

3) Get to work and log in. I then immediately take a cigarette break.

4) After I smoke, I head down to the cafeteria. I usually don't get more than a soda or a coffee, but I enjoy the walk.

5) When I get back to my desk, someone usually asks me to go smoke again, which I do.

6) About 30 minutes after I arrive, I start looking at my email in order to get started with my tasks for the day. This entails making a list of things I plan to do outside the normal day-to day tasks I always have to do.

7) Before I get going, there is usually someone who works on a different floor, different location, or different mindset who calls me to interrupt.

8) 30 – 40 minutes later, I can get started with “work”

9) Usually I don't. I check Facebook instead.

10) By 10 AM, I am ready to work. For real this time.

11) I have about 30 minutes of actual work, when I realize I am pretty hungry.

12) I take my lunch at 11.

13) I get back from lunch, and realize that the world has exploded.

14) I berate myself for having not worked harder in the morning, and start to work frantically and start getting things done in record time.

15) I start to feel like all is not lost. I can do this. The work is monotonous, but not going to kill me.

16) Then I realize that I have an hour of two worth of meetings in the afternoon, so maybe it will kill me because there is no way I can go to the meetings and finish my work for the day. I start making excuses for the things I haven't done but should have done before they are even overdue. I haven't prepared for the meetings, but figure I can throw something together about ten minutes before the start.

17) I keep working.

18) Twenty minutes before the first meeting starts, I get up to smoke. At that exact moment, the phone rings.

19) Having worked technical support and customer service, retail, and every other shitty customer facing job that there is, so I have both a pathological fear of the telephone, and an psychotic aversion to not answering it.

20) I pick up the phone.
Me: Hi, this is Laura!
There is a silence, and then... very softly at first, I hear it. It is a kind of gargle noise. A scratchy voice is preparing, and then... “........brains......”

I am not sure if you are aware of this, but the majority of large manufacturing corporations in the United States are overrun with zombies.

I don't mean that they are just a bunch of employees with no thoughts in their heads beyond consuming everything in the world... well, that might describe them, too, but I mean for real walking undead creatures with a lust for living flesh. I forgive you if you don't believe me, but you have to understand that between corporate bureaucracy, large maze-like structures, key-card only entry, and a host of other factors, the zombies are as much a part of corporate culture as performance evaluations. There are statistics and metrics, but no one really knows how to solve the issue, so it is kind of left alone and ignored. Some of the zombies even continue their normal work functions, so they are much cheaper that other employees to keep.

And honestly, I don't really mind it. Most of the zombies in my building are in the humidity controlled areas behind closed doors, so I don't even have to deal with the smell.

The issue is with the recently “promoted”.

For a few months, they retain enough of a spark to hit the redial, and generally make a nuisance of themselves.

21) So anyway, after I deal with the zombie (I'll go in to this more later, I think), I only have about 5 minutes to prepare for my meeting.

22) I spend about three of those minutes looking for the calendar entry, and another two dialing in. Our conference call dial-in is one digit off from a “TALK TO LIVE SINGLES” sex line, and for some reason, I always get that one on the first try.

23) The meeting begins. I announce myself, and then go on mute in order to continue working on other projects.

24) This is a delicate balance between paying attention enough to know what the hell is going on, and being able to work. For the sake of continuing my list, we will assume that in this case I am successful and there are no awkward silences that I realize someone asked me a question and I have no idea what it was.

25) About 4PM, I am two thirds done with my work, and the meetings are finally over.

26) Meanwhile, new stuff has come in that I haven't even looked at.

27) I compile a new list for the following day of all the things I haven't finished, all the things that came in while I was working during meetings, and the daily tasks that I forgot to do today.

28) At a quarter to five, I back up my work, close everything down, and at 5PM sharp, I leave.

Needless to say, I am a bit flustered and ridiculous by the time I get off work.

So I don't feel like I am creative enough.

So... coming full circle... this blog.

Because if I can't bitch semi-anonymously online, what the hell is the point of the internet?

P.S. Suzi wins for being the first to comment. Unfortunately, I accidentally rejected her comment because I always screw up the first time I use new-fangled things. Suzi, I am sorry. The rest of you (all 2), please feel free to comment, and I won't delete you. Unless you deserve it.

1 comment:

Kathryn said...

You'll probably just delete me anyway, sister-bitch. I almost wrote bitch-sister, but I think that would mean that I'm a bitch...bitch. Anyway, funny!