All I Want from a Camera...

Dear Canon, Nikon, Pentax, Olympus, Leica, and Every Other Camera Manufacturer Out There,

Don’t take this wrong, but I am a bit disappointed in the camera offerings out there at the moment. This isn’t science fiction. These problems should be solved by now. Can you please just make me my dream camera?

In case you have forgotten what I want, I have compiled a list of features that I would really appreciate in a camera, and the fact that I can’t get all of them has made me hem and haw about this Major Purchase for over a year. I would like this to be completed by my birthday on Saturday. I am OK testing a beta.

1) The camera must be small and light, so I can take it with me everywhere. This should fit into my pocket.

2) The lens does not have to be interchangeable if it can do all of the following:
A) Zoom
B) Have a fast Autofocus
C) Be capable of a super-macro (that means really close up)
D) There can be no color aberration, or line distortion.
E) I don’t care about your “laws of physics”. Just do it.

3) I must get a minimum of 1500 shots on a single battery charge.

4) An LCD is fine for some things, but it’s too hard to see in bright sunlight. The camera must include a viewfinder.

5) Stop with the stupid tiny sensors. Give me a nice, full sized sensor in the camera, and stop dicking around with “point and shoot” and “four thirds” form factors. Just make it big.

6) You don’t need to include a built in flash, because the camera should be fast enough to take beautiful night shots without a tripod and no flash needed. There should also be no noticeable noise at ISO 12800.

7) The camera must be shock proof, water proof, and capable of withstanding extreme temperatures. If I drop the camera into a campfire, it should work. If I climb Vinson Massif, it should not freeze. If I tie a string on the camera and set the timer, I should be able to dunk the camera into the ocean during a hurricane and get cool pics. This camera should outlast mankind.

8) The camera should not cost more than one fourth of my take-home wages for one month.

9) I should be able to get this camera in some color other than black or silver. If computers figured out how to stop looking so freaking boring, so can cameras.

10) The camera should be able to read my brainwaves, and figure out what I am trying to do before I even do it. I should not have to manually adjust anything, ever, unless I want to, and then it should be intuitive and convenient to navigate the menus.

11) I expect this camera to be there for me. It should make me happy when I am sad, and it should comfort me when I need comforting. It will not judge me, or nag me, or tell me I am not good enough. This camera should love me as much as I love it.

Thanks for listening, Canon, Nikon, Pentax, Olympus, Leica, and Every Other Camera Manufacturer Out There. I look forward to hearing from you.

Love,
Laura

P.S. I have actually purchased a used film camera that does none of these things, but I bought it for $60, and you don’t get any of that money. Think about it. That’s $60 you lost.