Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I'm Gonna Melt Old Age Right out of my Skin

I’ve been hiding at my desk this week, hoping nobody notices me.

This is not because I accidentally melted my face off earlier in the week, although I will admit that that was a bit disconcerting.

It was an honest mistake.

I use to have this awesome lotion/exfoliating soap from St. Ives that smelled like apricots and felt like loving sandpaper. It would scratch the top layer of dead skin off my face and make me feel young and beautiful again.

Of course, I had that stuff back in about 1998, and apparently things have changed since then (I still think of the late 90’s as “recent," so I may be a wee bit out of touch).

My skin has been unusually dry and itchy lately, and it was getting to the point that I was scratching my face constantly throughout the day and I was a little worried that I might wear through my cheeks.  I had to do something.

So... I borrowed my mom’s St. Ives Apricot Exfoliating Face Wash to use before I moisturized the shit out of my face.

I just assumed that it was the same apricot shit that I used back in my 20’s, and that the only thing that had changed was the packaging.

Let me repeat that.

I put some chemical shit on my face and just assumed I knew what it was without reading the label.


The next morning, I noticed that my "treatment" didn't seem to work very well because my skin was still way too dry, so I washed my face with it again.

I woke up the next morning, and I looked like I had a five o’clock shadow, only instead of stubble, it was my SKIN molting off. Or sloughing off? Is that a word? Sloughing?

My whole lower face, just flaking, and painful, and burny.

The part of my faces that I used the Apricot shit on.

Maybe I should look at the motherfucking label, you know?

Yeah.  That Apricot Scrub shit was was completely different from what I thought it was, and the active ingredient was Salicylic acid and I had just washed my face with freaking alien blood.


Because chemical burns are really good for removing dead skin and acne.

And live skin. And my flesh.

But no, I am not hiding because of that.

And no, I am not hiding from the office zombies that want to eat my brains. I mean, seriously, those things have an awesome sense of smell, and would totally find me at my desk, especially since I keep putting this Oatmeal and Shea Butter lotion on my burny face… holy fuck, y’all. I just noticed this lotion is totally from St. Ives, too. Those Swiss bastards are probably going to give me boils or some shit and call it “invigorating” for the skin.

Anyhoo. What was I talking about?


Hiding at desk.

And failing.

It turns out, you can’t actually hide from your email, especially when you are sitting at a computer all day, even if you are getting up every five minutes to add moisturizer.


momnextdoor said...

DUDE! You melted off your face! (Don't we deserve pictures of that? You know, for laughing, I mean scientific purposes.)

And if it makes you feel any better I completely agree that the late 90's are recent! They have to be because I am not old and I remember that time very clearly.

Tim said...

You know, I'll bet that if you were to draw a little Chaz Manson-style swastika on your forehead, no one would even notice your moisturizing mishap. Alternately, you could just wear a balaclava all day.

Taryn said...

OH NO!!! I am so sorry!!! What a mess...hopefully it heals soon!

KKlein said...

Ha! Stop hurting yourself!

Leauxra said...

momnextdoor: Yeah, I thought about pictures later. At the time, all I could think about was trying to minimize the visible damage before I left for work. I will make sure I take more pictures of my injuries in the future.

Tim: A balaclava may be the answer... or a paper bag.

Taryn: It's already healing... I just have to go through my molt, and I'll be as good as new.

KKlein: It's been weeks since my last mishap. I have banned the use of bubble gum, and now I apparently must stop using soap. Great.

PudMonkey said...

Maybe for the sake of your co-workers and the people you live with, don't forego ALL soap. I had a co-worker at my last job who did that. It was dreadful. You could seriously smell him coming over to tell you about how bad frequent soap use was for your skin. And it's not like he sat around doing nothing either! He would go skiing and when we were out in the field, our JOB most of the time was to be walking around ALL day long, so dude was working up a sweat. Soo ikky. Ahh, things I don't miss about working at the state. Anyways, point: maybe just switch to Burt's Bees or something hippy and granola like that. Alfalfa's should be able to hook you up.

StephanieC said...

So is it just me, or did I miss the real reason WHY you were hiding?

My concentration is shot, so I probably missed it.

And yeah, exfoliating anything is bad news if your skin is already dry and itchy. Avene works really well (not Aveeno). It's a little pricey and has a pretentious accent in there, but it is the only thing that works for my skin.

I reacted badly to Burt's Bees.


@Tim - You're funny. Do you blog?

Leauxra said...

PudMonkey: Yeah, I'll still soap up, I'm not a hippie. Just not my face so much. But I kinda lost my respect for Burt's Bees when Clorox bought them out. And St. Ives is all natural and not tested on animals... just goes to show that natrual things can kill you, too.

StephanieC: Yeah, I am kinda surprised no one else noticed that I didn't mention why I am hiding. I haven't figured out how to put a funny spin on it yet, so I just left it out.

But I suck at being a girl. I never know what I am supposed to use, so I usually just slather up in Oil of Olay in the morning and call it good. I should know better than trying to "exfoliate" or any of those fancy girly things.

(I keep telling Tim to blog and he still hasn't done it. He totally needs to though).

Anonymous said...

So, basically what you are saying is that you are a snake? Well, if your skin comes completely off, maybe you can play yourself in your next skeleton comic. (Speaking of . . . what happened to weekly lessons, hmmm? No pressure, just wondering. Do I need to give you another award or something?).

Welcome back. I, too, am wondering about what was looking for you that you needed to hide from. Next time maybe try UNDER the desk. Just a thought.

Leauxra said...

mistyslaws: So, I was all concerned that every post had to be bigger and better than the last post, and it stressed me out so I pretended I didn't have a blog. I was a bit worried that would happen. I can't put anything up that's TOO good, or I will top out and every post thereafter will be a let down to all of my adoring fans.

Also, I have been learning to play the ukulele so i haven't been drawing.

First thing first: I will be writing again, and start incorporating pictures in when I can. I am pretty sure I can justify getting an iPad to make sure I draw more, too. What do you think?

Keith said...

You are sooo never coming to visit Calgary. Your poor skin would just explode off your face once it realized how dry it is here.

Most days I still think it's some time in the mid 80's, unless someone reminds me.

Yes, you will love the iPad. Check out an app called Pages. You can thank me later.

Leauxra said...

Keith: Yeah, I don't always mind the dry... just when I've dipped my face in acid after a weekend of running outside in the wind and sunshine. But yeah, super baby face.

I really want an iPad. Really really. Sad thing is I mostly want it so I can draw on it.

Anonymous said...

I have an iPad, but I don't draw on it, so I'm no help. I don't love it, but it is useful I guess.

The thing I have found about blogging is you have to look at it as cyclical. There are ups and downs. Some posts are brilliant, and some are just (for lack of a better word) filler. Just like art, though, you are your own worse critic. So while you think a post is not your best and see mistakes, everyone else will find it entertaining and fun. Just try to enjoy it and have fun. If it stresses you out, just try to relax and write. That's what I do, and I always somehow find something to say. Even if they aren't all gems. Believe me, I know some of mine are shite, but post them anyway. It makes the next one look that much better! :) That's my theory anyway.

Anonymous said...

They put ACID in the apricot shit??? I used to use that, too! Glad I haven't lately, I already have a huge terrifying pimple smack in the center of my nose, I don't need no other deformities! (seriously, it's time for me to lead Santa's sleigh over here)
Get something with cucumber and aloe in it to soothe your poor face... BUT NOT FROM THE SWISS!

Tom G. said...

I find that when hiding in my office, under the desk is the best spot. That's why I keep a pillow, and air mattress down there.

karensomethingorother said...

Oh MAN!!!!! I remember that apricot scrub. I used to scrub the hell out of my body with it, hoping I'd be silky sexy. Well......maybe you just had an inexpensive version of the chemical peel women go to those kinds of places for? Maybe? I hope the burny has stopped!

Leauxra said...

Misty: Yeah, I know this, but, well... I am less than successfull sometimes, particularly when I an feeling low. I will post more, I promise.

hoodyhoo: Totally. They put ACID in it. Looking back, it was the "blemish control" apricot scrub (there are apparently several varieties). And while my skin still feels a little like it has a chemical burn, I have NO PIMPLES AT ALL. It's amazing.

Tom G.: I would hide under my desk, but I am pretty sure there are spiders. For real. But maybe it will do in a pinch. That, or I will just go to my "safe place" in my mind and stay there.

karensomethingorother: Yeah, I am pretty sure this was all user error. I didn't read the damned label. It does look nice now, though. I think I might need to take a picture of my young looking skin before it goes away.

Stephanie said...

Oh dear. Please be careful. I actually quite like your face.

Anonymous said...


Jen said...

The Swiss are some wily motherfuckers. I think the St. Ives people are conspiring with those bastards at IKEA so that Switzerland and Sweden will one day rise up and beat us into submission while we are weak from exfoliating and assembling shoddy bookshelves.

Leauxra said...

Stephanie: Aww, it seems to be better now. I will make sure I read the active ingredients before putting shit on my face from no on.

Thoughtsy: Yes, totally.

Jen: Holy shit, that seems like a legit theory to me. Too bad IKEA makes such cute shelving.