Thursday, December 15, 2011


Dear Santa,

It's that time of year again... You know, when I write you a letter and you pretend you never got it and act all pretend-contrite on Christmas morning?  Yeah.  Well.

Here goes.

I have been so freaking good this year, I don't even know where to begin.

First of all, I quit smoking on May 20th of this year.  I know that it took a bit longer than I expected when I started at age 17, but you have to give me some props for actually going through with it this year.  Sure, I may have put on a few pounds, but you know, I really doubt that you of all people are going to judge me, eh, Santa old buddy?  Eh?  Eh?

Oh come on, I wasn't trying to be mean.

Stop being a teenaged girl.  Really!  Oh, stop sniveling.  That red suit does NOT make you look fat, OK?

Anyway, can we get back to what's important here?  Me?  OK.


I didn't quit my job, because I am all responsible like that, and I have even temporarily made peace with my lowly place in the world. 

I also didn't kill anyone, so that's also cool, mostly because I would obviously be such a bad criminal that I would be in jail by now if I had.  Not being in jail is pretty good, I think.

So you see, Santa, I feel like I really earned some awesome shit this year from you. 

The presents have been a bit... sparse... from you the last few years.  I'm not judging, just stating the facts here.  Maybe that's my fault as much as yours.  I mean, I'll  bet there are tons of people that ask for winning lottery tickets every year, and you can't give them to EVERYONE.  I mean, you COULD, but that 25 million dollar jackpot would start getting a bit smaller split between the 300 million US residents (something like a little bit over eight cents each, woo hoo, shopping spree!  Um, no thanks).

And I am sure that getting me my pet octopus is a lot harder than I give credit.  They don't live that long, and now that I think of it, I'll bet you DID get me my little cephalopod friend, but she just couldn't survive the ride from the North friggin Pole.  Not a lot of arctic octopuses, I would think.  I appreciate you not leaving a dead animal under the tree, I really do, especially not a shriveled up dead octopus (although the cats would have probably loved it).

So I thought long and hard about what I want this year, reevaluated some things... prioritized. 

I think I have it now.

Just one thing.

It should be easy for someone with your resources, too, so there are no excuses.

I want my very own robot slave/pet/bestest friend.

He even exists.  Like in the real world, not just in science fiction or CGI.

I present, the NAO from Aldebaran Robotics:

How can you NOT have a nerdgasm looking at this little guy?

Like for real, Santa.  I.  Want.

I promise to treat NAO right.  I promise!

Having my own robot minion would make up for a LOT of missed Christmases, just so you know.

XOXO Love,

P.S. If you want, you can still get me that winning lottery ticket.  I know it wouldn't be the key to happiness, money doesn't bring happiness etc etc, but the thing is, poverty doesn't bring happiness, either.  It doesn't need to be a big lottery... just enough to get started on my bid to take over the world.  I'm not GREEDY or anything.

P.P.S. I'm sorry I implied you were fat.  I understand that you are just big boned.


Herb Relaxation said...

It was a very nice blog. It is good to know that you have quit smoking. can you please tell us how did you make this possible to quit smoking.

MakingSpace said...

Ha. Someone spent her childhood watching Pinky and the Brain, no?

Anonymous said...

Dude, it's a thyroid condition. Not cool.

Leauxra said...

Herb Relaxation: I actually read a book called "Alan Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking". It actually worked for me, which is surpising considering I smoked at least a pack a day for more than half my life.

Making Space: FINALLY someone gets one of my Pinky and The Brain references! WOO!

hoodyhoo: Damn. I am such a jerk.

StephanieC said...

I'm surprised you didn't mention how much he creeped you out when he showed up at the copy place before.

He owes you SOMETHING for that, right?

And you forgot to mention how hard to worked out, free socks or no free socks.

You were DAMN good this year!!

Leauxra said...

StephanieC: Well, the copy place was YEARS ago... and.. crap. He's watching me RIGHT NOW, isn't he. What a creeper.

I would also like to mention that I never got the damned socks. Jerks only ordered huge sizes, and ran out of anything resembling a size 8 in women's before I could claim my prize. They have been "on order" for two months. THOSE LYING LIARS!

Anonymous said...

YOU NEVER GOT YOUR SOCKS? AFTER ALL THAT? WHY AM I YELLING, YOU ASK? Oh, that. I was just offended and shocked on your behalf. Those fuckers. Do you want me to sue them? I'm sure there's something I could get them for . . . breach of contract/intentional infliction of emotional distress/murder. Something.

He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake . . . he's watching you, Laura!!

Super rad robot. I wants as well. If the fat man comes through, will you share with me? Cool, thanks.

Leauxra said...

mistylaws: I KNOW, RIGHT? FUCKERS! I WANT MY DAMNED SOCKS! Ahem. I think there are about 15 women that never got their socks... maybe it should be a class- action lawsuit.

Holy crap, a LAWYER on my side? There are SO MANY THINGS I want to sue my place of work for: Lack of yogurt flavor choices in the cafeteria, ridiculously cold air vent above my desk.. Oh, and the fact that they're trying to turn me into a zombie! We'll talk. I'll have my people call your people.

(I am ignoring the bit about Santa. I am already creeped).

Yes, you can play with my robot when he comes... At the very least, I will make a robot vlog. But you should ask for one, too. Apparently, they can interact with one another, like a furby but better.

StephanieC said...

The seething rage I feel for the swindling of you into fitness classes with the false lure of socks... is becoming unmanageable.


PudMonkey said...

Before I add my outrage to everyone else's about your lack of free socks, I thought I should mention that when we scuba diving last December up here in the frigid North (yep, we're that stupid. We're OK with it. And yes, it was easily the coldest I have been in my entire life and I have been to a place where it WARMED UP to NEGATIVE 40) we saw an octopus. Just sayin.

And now for the outrage: WHAT THE DUCK!?!?!? How can they lure you in for torture with the promise of free socks and then not deliver?? You should totally sue. I'm sure it's big enough to be a class-action. You guys could, like, run ads on TV and stuff.

Stephanie said...

Santa isn't fat. He's fluffy. I hope you get a robot octopus for Christmas this year.

Anonymous said...

I started writing my own letter to Santa, but yours is so much better. Maybe I'll get everything I ask for if I don't call Santa "big boned."

Congrats on quitting smoking!

Leauxra said...

StephanieC: I am going to get them. Oh yes. My sockless rage knows NO BOUNDS....

PidMonkey: You totally just blew my mind. ARCTIC OCTOPUSES! They really are the most awesome alien creatures, ever.

Stephanie: HAH. You're right. "Fluffy" is an awesome way to put it.... ROBOT OCTOPUS! Oh! OH! MUST. HAVE.

Thoughtsy: Oh no you don't! Jen at ""Jen" e sais quoi" wrote a funny and deeply moving letter and used better grammar than me, and I still printed mine. SANTA NEEDS LETTERS. I think he can't exist if he doesn't have believers, and letters are proof of belief or something.

Thanks about the quitting smoking. Coming up on 7 months. I am pretty happy about it.

Love said...

Maybe I'll start writing my letter to Santa NOW for next year... it seems to me he's getting a flood of letters all at one time; just before the big day, so maybe if I start writing today, and on your behalf, so that it seems that I'm REALLY BEING GOOD and send out a letter every other month, he'll think more of it.... what do you think? Or he'll just say "Damn that redhead who won't shut up about her friend who wants the robotic octopus!"

Leauxra said...

Love, I will take whatever help I can get to get my robotic octopus. I am KIND of giving up on Santa, though. I guess I need to learn how to make my own.

Love said...

I bet boyfriend and his brother would find building you a robotic octopus an AMAZING side project ;-).