It's that time of year again... You know, when I write you a letter and you pretend you never got it and act all pretend-contrite on Christmas morning? Yeah. Well.
I have been so freaking good this year, I don't even know where to begin.
First of all, I quit smoking on May 20th of this year. I know that it took a bit longer than I expected when I started at age 17, but you have to give me some props for actually going through with it this year. Sure, I may have put on a few pounds, but you know, I really doubt that you of all people are going to judge me, eh, Santa old buddy? Eh? Eh?
Oh come on, I wasn't trying to be mean.
Stop being a teenaged girl. Really! Oh, stop sniveling. That red suit does NOT make you look fat, OK?
Anyway, can we get back to what's important here? Me? OK.
I didn't quit my job, because I am all responsible like that, and I have even temporarily made peace with my lowly place in the world.
I also didn't kill anyone, so that's also cool, mostly because I would obviously be such a bad criminal that I would be in jail by now if I had. Not being in jail is pretty good, I think.
So you see, Santa, I feel like I really earned some awesome shit this year from you.
The presents have been a bit... sparse... from you the last few years. I'm not judging, just stating the facts here. Maybe that's my fault as much as yours. I mean, I'll bet there are tons of people that ask for winning lottery tickets every year, and you can't give them to EVERYONE. I mean, you COULD, but that 25 million dollar jackpot would start getting a bit smaller split between the 300 million US residents (something like a little bit over eight cents each, woo hoo, shopping spree! Um, no thanks).
And I am sure that getting me my pet octopus is a lot harder than I give credit. They don't live that long, and now that I think of it, I'll bet you DID get me my little cephalopod friend, but she just couldn't survive the ride from the North friggin Pole. Not a lot of arctic octopuses, I would think. I appreciate you not leaving a dead animal under the tree, I really do, especially not a shriveled up dead octopus (although the cats would have probably loved it).
So I thought long and hard about what I want this year, reevaluated some things... prioritized.
I think I have it now.
Just one thing.
It should be easy for someone with your resources, too, so there are no excuses.
I want my very own robot slave/pet/bestest friend.
He even exists. Like in the real world, not just in science fiction or CGI.
I present, the NAO from Aldebaran Robotics:
How can you NOT have a nerdgasm looking at this little guy?
Like for real, Santa. I. Want.
I promise to treat NAO right. I promise!
Having my own robot minion would make up for a LOT of missed Christmases, just so you know.
P.S. If you want, you can still get me that winning lottery ticket. I know it wouldn't be the key to happiness, money doesn't bring happiness etc etc, but the thing is, poverty doesn't bring happiness, either. It doesn't need to be a big lottery... just enough to get started on my bid to take over the world. I'm not GREEDY or anything.
P.P.S. I'm sorry I implied you were fat. I understand that you are just big boned.