A Year of Failure (but I'm OK with that)

2010 is coming to a close already.  How the hell did that happen?  Was I asleep?  Did I forget?  Wasn't I paying attention?

I am still reeling that June is over, and here it is, almost January.   No wonder I can't keep up with blogging.  I am losing time.  I would like to blame it on alien abductions, but the fact is I am spending too much time thinking about doing things instead of doing them.

I had no resolutions for 2010.  It wasn't that I didn't want to improve my life, myself, or the world around me.  I just got lazy and never wrote anything down.  I blame this for my lack of accomplishment.  Therefore, I am not only writing down my resolutions for 2011, but I am posting them publicly.  Maybe I can shame myself into following through.

MY 10 RESOLUTIONS FOR 2011:

• Resolution 1: I will get in shape.  This means I have to work out, and eat better.  There will be no "diet", because we all know what happens when I try to do THAT.  And while you might think that my goal is based on the fact that if my hips get any bigger, they may need their own area code, the real reason is that I don't want to die climbing mountains in Nepal.  I gotta be ready for 2012.
• Resolution 2: There will be no cigarettes in 2011.   Yes.  I cheated.  And then I cheated again.  And then it stopped feeling like cheating.  I never got back to the pack-a-day smoking that I was at before I "quit", but that doesn't change the fact that I have been lying by omission.  I have been smoking again, and every pack is my "last one".  I will stop being stupid.
• Resolution 3: I will run a marathon.  Why the hell would I want to do this?  Well, because I wish I could.  Simple as that.  I am not trying to Boston Qualify, or finally, after thirty-four and a half years of life one-up my brother at ANYTHING, or you know, some other ridiculously petty reason, but seriously.  I am tired of seeing people running and being jealous.  I dream about running on a regular basis (a bit like flying dreams), and I want to be able to do it.  BQ-ing or running faster than my older brother would just be gravy.  Also, I said I would, and I don't want a repeat of 2010's races.
• Resolution 4: I will learn more about photography.  I enjoy taking pictures to no end, but I don't know what the hell I am doing.  I need to delve more into the mysteries of film development, so I can add alchemy to my list of accomplishments.  Because film is magic.
• Resolution 5:  I will draw more.  And paint.  Because I don't know why I stopped.
• Resolution 6: I will write a novel.  Seriously.  I have everything I need to do this, except the drive to actually do it.  And a story. And a way to start.  And characters.  I would also like to illustrate it.  And get published.  And be famous.
• Resolution 7:  I will hike the AppalachianTrail.  And maybe the Pacific Crest.  And the Continental Divide Trail.  Basically, I think it would be nice to spend the year backpacking, which would play nicely into resolution 1.
• Resolution 8: I will become independently wealthy. Seriously, why can't this be a goal?  Is a winning Powerball ticket too much to ask?  Well, no more excuses.  You can't win if you don't play.
• Resolution 9: I will prepare for the zombie apocalypse.  Why don't I have a plan in place already?
• Resolution 10:  I will learn to move things with my mind.  I have always wanted to do this.  I need to start now.  Also, learn to start fires with my brain because pyrokinesis would be dead useful backpacking.  And maybe learn to fly.  Not sure on that one.  That might be cheating.

The trick with resolutions, I think, is to do things that you want to do anyway, things that are within your limits.

I am pretty excited about 2011, mostly because I am pretty excited to be alive.  This is going to be awesome.

So how about you?  Do you have any New Year's resolutions?

Argument Against a Real Christmas Tree

Last night I went to the annual Solstice Tree Burning party.

Last year's tree was successfully consumed by flames in less than three minutes.  For reals.  I have pictures to prove it.  

The anticipation was unbearable.

Fireworks were added to the bottom...

And then it's off!

And the fire shoots into the sky.

Hopefully none of those helicopters that have been flying overhead all evening will notice.

Hopefully the power lines overhead don't melt.

Hopefully the figure in the fire doesn't decide to come out and burn us all.

Hopefully I am not crazy for thinking this is amazingly beautiful.

Hopefully the sparks don't catch the house, neighbors' house, etc, on fire.

 

In an astonishing short time, it dies out.

And like that, it's gone.

Also, for the record, my hair smells like a forest fire today.

Am I Really Hearing This?

I forgot my headphones at work.  I also forgot to charge my mp3 player.

It isn't necessarily that I want to listen to music or what have you...  It's the "drowning out of my coworkers" that I'm looking for.

It was bad enough when a few months back I got to listen to monologue about Twilight... through the eyes of a 50-odd year old male engineer.  Seriously, dude.  You are thinking about this WAY too much.

Or when I overheard another coworker talk to her boss in a not quiet voice about how she had to leave for the day to get her kids because her husband just got a DUI at 2:30 in the afternoon.  Seriously.  Do you understand the concept of "inside voice"?  Really.  I don't want to know that this is his third DUI, or that he was supposed to be at work. 

So yesterday, I was calmly placing orders, calmly fixing problems, calmly writing "You're a freaking idiot" emails in corporate-ese, and calmly cussing out my computer when it locked up every 15 minutes, and all of a sudden I heard out of nowhere, "Well, you know, his parents were murdered."

Am I supposed to ignore this?

At that moment, my boss called.  Crap!  It was time for our weekly one on one meeting.  Having a boss in another state is kind of awesome in the sense that it's almost impossible for them to micromanage you, but they don't completely forget you exist.  Once a week we touch base and I tell him nothing is on fire and he tells me I haven't been fired yet, and then we go on our separate merry ways.

I may have been a little distracted when he called this week.  If someone was recording just my side of the conversation, it would have gone something like this:

"Uh, huh?" I said, "Yeah. Sorry, what? Oh. OK.  Um. Yes.  No, nothing to report. Sure, I can do that. OK, have a good one."  This was one of the shorter conversations we have had.

I have no idea what the other side of the conversation sounded like.  I was desperately trying to overhear more about this whole MURDER thing.

After my boss hung up, I had a moment of panic.  What did I just agree to?  When I tried to recall anything, my brain went back to the little snippets I did remember.

Me, sitting on my desk trying not to knock any pictures off the wall, or clunk my head on the overhanging cabinet,  trying to hear the murdery conversation over the cubicle wall.

"...he was raised by...." mumble mumble mumble, "...it is really a pretty tragic story, and he was obviously messed up by..."...mumble..."...yeah, he saw them die..."...another person speaking inaudibly... "...well, he didn't have to worry about money, his father was a billionaire..."

I'll admit, sometimes I am a little dense.  But in my defense I was trying so hard to hear the conversation, I wasn't really processing what I was hearing.

And then it clicked.

Because then I head the word, "Gotham".

Dude was talking about Batman.  All serious like.

I may have even blushed.

At that moment, someone walked by the entrance to my cubicle, and I tried to shift my awkward sitting position into a yoga pose.  I was totally stretching, not eavesdropping.  He did a double-take, but didn't stop.  He was walking over to talk to my cube neighbor about Iron Man 2.

What is it about large corporations that make grown men talk about cartoons?

Nothing Says "Christmas" like a Cactus Wearing a Santa Hat

So, we flew to Phoenix for a short holiday visit.  Seems like I end up in sunny Arizona around the holidays every year.  It's always nice to enjoy 75 degree weather for a day or two.

Christmas in Phoenix reminds me of being a kid.  And insects.  And scorpions.  And thorns on everything. And Bad Santa.  And aliens (my brother's new house is out a ways, and as we drove through the dark desert to get there, I knew that there were are totally aliens out there watching us and deciding what to probe).  And rattlesnakes.  And dirt that wants to kill you.

Yes.  I said dirt.

Obviously, when the settlers came here, they were cracked out, or hiding from the law or something, because I can't imagine what they were thinking.  "I know, let's go hang out in a place where the frickin' DIRT will kill you."

And they're PROUD of this.  We actually passed by a subdivision that was called "Terra Vista", which I am pretty sure translates to "Dirt View".

When I was a kid, my grandma told me I shouldn't dig around it the dirt or I would catch something called "Valley Fever".  I just assumed it was some kind of illness from breathing in more dust than air.  It wasn't until about a year ago, the last time I was down in Phoenix, that I learned that it is actually a mold that grows in your lungs and can somehow get into your nervous system.  It's in the dirt.

I'm not sure what happens next, but I am pretty sure that you become a zombie. Obviously.

I base this on the creepy ant mold mushroom thing I saw on Planet Earth.  No, seriously, it's scientific.  And it TURNS THEM INTO ZOMBIES FIRST. (In case you missed it the first two times, here's the LINK).  This is for real, people.  Zombie ants.  And it's caused by mold.

Picture of zombie ant from the above link.

And then we have Phoenix.

With mold in the dirt that GETS INTO YOUR LUNGS AND CAN MOVE TO YOUR BRAIN. Am I the only one that thinks this is a big conspiracy?

"That ain't your grandpa, Sonny, that there's a zombie."

It looks to me like the zombie apocalypse has already begun.  And, much like my theories about alien invasions and conspiracies about the Illuminati and Freemasons, even if they ARE true, no one noticed or cared, so it probably doesn't matter.

Anyway, happy early Christmas.  Here is a picture of a saguaro cactus wrapped in lights.

No Nekked Pictures

Dear TSA,

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed that going through airport security was so easy.  I mean, after all the fuss, I expected there to be some drama.

Where were the long lines I was promised?  We walked right up to the security checkpoint.  The entire process took maybe 10 minutes.

And did I get screened? Well, I guess.  But I didn't get the backscatter thingy, and I didn't get groped.  I pay taxes!  And then I get cheated out of using the expensive equipment that my tax dollars paid for!

I had so many great one-liners planned, too,  and I never had the chance to use them.  I even "accidentally" forgot to take off my watch.  How could you not catch that?  What if I was a terrorist?  What if I was a big jerkoff anti-American douchebag or something?  How could you miss that?

Well, let me tell you.  I don't feel safe.

I was promised safety.  I was promised delays and the sacrifice of my dignity.

Not to mention, I am pretty flipping disappointed that there are no naked pictures of me.  I thought it was finally going to happen.  Naked pictures. Of me.  It would be like I was one of the cool kids.  Like I was part of the 21st century.  Now, that dream is over.

Shape up, TSA.  You can't advertise the complete destruction of my rights as a human being, and then not deliver.

Next time I travel, I expect results.

Regards,
Leauxra

'Tis the Season to Set Something on Fire and Collect the Insurance

... because nothing says Christmas like a burning tree in the living room.  Maybe that's just me.

But I am feeling all filled with the holiday spirit.  Probably because I haven't forgotten to send out Christmas cards yet (I still have at least a week to buy some and mail them), I still have a week or two to start my Christmas shopping (I will try not to think about last year when due to a series of miscommunications, I ended up at my brother's house on Christmas Eve WITHOUT ANY PRESENTS to give anyone), and I haven't thought about murdering anyone for like... hours, at least.

Yep.  I am practically dripping with holiday cheer.

So last night I finally got my early Christmas present to myself.

I didn't get a fancy camera.  I didn't get an iPod (still).  I didn't get the AC fixed on my car.  I didn't get the $400 sweater that I want for some reason.  I didn't even get a pet octopus (someday).

Nope.  What I got for Christmas was my two back teeth.

Horray for dental work during the holidays!

And here's to having two pretty new crowns, the ability to chew food on the right side of my mouth, and being able to drink cold liquids!

So, yeah.  Still not feeling it, I will admit.  But two awesome things are transpiring that I hope will make things all better:

1. It turns out that this year, for the first time ever, I don't have to work during the company furlough.  I will have 11 days IN A ROW where I don't have to do anything.  Not only that, but I won't have to go to the creepy office all by myself.  No cold dark lonely holiday cubicle for me!  How freaking awesome is that!?
   
2. I am headed to Phoenix for the weekend!  Nothing says "Christmas" like palm trees and saguaro cacti (also, go me for being able to spell saguaro on the first try!)

Now all I have to do is work all day, and survive the new TSA screening at DIA.

Here's to not stabbing anything!

Healthy as a Horse... or Something

Something I originally envisioned when I quit smoking was that when I craved a cigarette, I would take a walk or do some jumping jacks or something.  This would also help with the whole "not gaining weight" thing. 

I am less active now than I was while smoking.

Here is an example of my workouts since quitting:

• Monday:  Went to work.  Walked from my car to my desk (about 200 yards).  Walked down to the cafeteria twice (about .25 miles each way) because I needed something.  Walked back to my car (about 200 yards).  Walked from the car to the couch (maybe a few hundred steps).  Walked to bed (30 feet).
• Tuesday: (see Monday)
• Wednesday: (see Monday)
• Thursday: (see Monday)
• Friday: (see Monday)
• Saturday:  took a slow hour long walk so I could play with my pinhole camera.
• Sunday:  Pretty much parked myself at a table all day.

Basically I have gone from averaging 12,000 steps a day for most of the summer (I had a pedometer, so I know), to The Human Slug.


I knew was getting out of shape.

I haven't been hiking.  I haven't been running.  I have barely been walking.  I avoid the Wii Fit because I don't want to be scolded for not playing in so long, and because I might have put on a pound.  And yes, the Wii Fit will scold me, and possibly make fun of me.  The Wii Fit is an asshole, by the way.

Anyway, work had this cool biometric screening thing.  It is completely voluntary, but they give you a $200 a year discount if you complete it on your health insurance. 

They checked my BMI, waist circumference, blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose... basically a whole shit-ton of stuff I had never had tested before.  I also had to fill out a questionnaire, and get my life rated by my insurance company.

Last year, I scored a 72 out of 100.  Probably because I smoked.

This year, the computer told me how proud it was of me for quitting, and gave me a 98 out of 100 for being healthy, and a low risk.

I sat at my desk being all proud of the (completely efortless on my part) healthy assessment.  Then I got to thinking...

The other night, the boyfriend and I actually got tired of watching TV.  Instead of reading or, you know, talking or something,  we tried playing hacky sack.  In the basement.  With the drop ceiling.  It seemed like a good idea, anyway.

A couple of things I learned:

1. I am super-duper un-graceful.
2. If I was playing D&D, my dexterity score would be like 2.
3. I improved pretty dramatically within about 15 minutes, but was still embarrassingly bad, and probably funny to watch.
4. It was fun
5. I totally got winded in 15 minutes.

 So here is my question: 

How can an insurance company think I am healthy and in shape and a low risk if I can't play with a hacky sack without getting worn out?  What's next? Darts is going to be rated as a cardio exercise?