I have this terrible irrational hatred of doing this, and find myself hoping I get fired or laid off or get into a horrible car accident so I don't have to.
"They" also have a requirement that I write this thing in third person.
We have to have a minimum of 3 goals, 1 stretch goal, whatever the hell that means, and "measures" by which to judge our abilities to meet our goals.
I suppose this would be meaningful if I had projects and tasks that had beginnings, middles, and ends, but the fact is that I do the exact same thing every day, no change. I am a drone. Usually I just paste last year's goals into this years goals and then copy and paste my measures in from the same Word document that I used two years ago.
This year I decided to be creative. Following is an example.
Goal 1: Don't quit.
Leauxra did not quit this fiscal year.
Quarter 1 Measure: Leauxra went to work.
Quarter 2 Measure: Leauxra kept her social networking and blogging to slightly less than two-thirds of her work day. She plans to improve this metric for the remainder of the year so that she will remain employed, and has set a new goal of 90% of her time to be spent messing around on the interwebs during work hours.
Quarter 3 Measure: Leauxra didn't quit even though she wanted to. Really bad.
Quarter 4 Measure: Yup, she's still here. You can tell because she's writing her frickin' self evaluation.
After working at this company for three and a half years, I still don't know what they expect me to put in this section. I usually copy the same things I put into my goals, and call it good. Not this year!
Developments 1: World Peace
Leauxra has brought about world peace though her efforts in the development section of the learning modules.
After single-handedly breaking up the Somail pirates and rescuing the princess, Leauxra went on to climb Mount Everest 16 times and removed 48,000 million billion tons of trash from the mountain. She then personally washed every oil-soaked ocean dwelling creature, cured AIDS, and installed a water filtration system for the continent of Africa.
Let's face it, guys: Leauxra is the awesome.
Once again, I have no frickin' clue what they want from me here. Wouldn't these be the same as the developments? And the goals? WTF, guys, are you just trying to see how many different ways I can say the same thing?
Leauxra is ALL KINDS of competent. She also knows you totally won't fire her because, let's face it, she has a really crazy annoying job, and no one else wants it. She also works for slave wages, and hardly ever complains as long as you leave her alone. So why don't you take your "competency" rating and shove it?
Oh, and also? Leauxra is TOTALLY prepared for the zombie uprising, so you totally need people like this in corporate America. You KNOW that's where the zombies will come from.
It all kinda reminds me of Composition 1 in college... say what you're going to say, say it, say what you just said. Seriously, are they just judging our ability to survive repetition?
Leauxra loves writing about herself in the third person, because she didn't already feel like a self-aggrandizing douche-bag writing her self-evaluation.
Leauxra could fill out her self evaluation saying nothing but 'Kiss my ass, crackers!' and still keep her job. It would not, however, get her a raise. Probably. And considering her wage erosion (her benefits cost more, so she takes home about 15% less than she did two years ago), she really would like something.
Leauxra loves this time of year because it makes her sounds like Sméagol, precious, and we loves it.
We doesn't counts on a raise, oh no, precious. Dirty stinking bosses won't gives us anything at all. Wants us to starve, gollum, gollum. Sweet bosses, nice bosses, they will pity us, gollum gollum.
GIVE IT TO US! WE NEEDS IT!